Well, things are definitely looking up for me now on the first day of school. I can't tell you how happy I felt today. Why? Well... I can't really post that. :P But, all I could tell you is that it's about a girl... again. Hm.
Remember, Queenswayans, when one of my posts was about a girl? And remember how my blog got trashed just because of that post, because I expressed my feelings for her? Like, people coming to my blog and spamming insults and threats and stuff. Boy, it was horrible. Girls can be so adorable... yet so terrifying at the same time. <_<" I hope I won't be making the same mistakes this time. I won't mention her name, just how I feel about her. That's probably not good enough to ensure that she won't find out, but... Sigh.
Maybe I should just forget about her. I mean, I almost forgot about how I felt about her until today, when she talked to me. I had almost forgot about her. Well, maybe not forget, but, at least I wasn't thinking about her as much as I am now. I couldn't afford another incident like that now... and neither could she afford a fan like me, either. We are going through a very perilous period, both of us. We simply couldn't let our emotions get the best of us. And she wouldn't allow it anyway. She's a good student. She won't let herself be bothered by matters of emotions and love.
Sigh. My mum was right. A crush is excruciating. That's why it's called a 'crush,' because it crushes you from the inside. Ugh. I hate this feeling. Sure, it feels wonderful for a while, but it's like heroine - it gets to you. It's virtual. Not that I didn't care about my crushes. I mean, 3 years already, and I still feel concern for Georgina, once my biggest crush. But, I guess that's why she rejected me, because it wouldn't be fair to the one I'm crushing on. She wouldn't know if I really care about her for who she is, not who she seems to be, the outer shell that got me infatuating over her.
I must have made her felt so bad, having her appealing appearance bringing some sort of curse over her social life. Heh. Guess I kinda deserved the trashing, but... my ego told me to retaliate. My human nature.
Ah well. I will laugh if I ever find my true love. Hmph. What a joke. Come on, dreamers. There aren't such things. Don't kid yourself. Even if you find a person who's really nice and everything, he/she will probably look as good as Patricia Mok (no offense to her fans and herself). That's the reality. No one looks that good and would be that nice to marry someone with, well, to put it simply, my looks. :P C'mon, let's face it - I'm no Tyrus. Queenswayans should remember him. Tall, dark and handsome. Well, tanned, not dark, but still, good looks.
My point is, true love? You guys should just forget about it, man. I know I would. I need to forget. I need to keep myelf numb till I complete my studies or something. I don't know. Sigh. Maybe it's just my lack of confidence, but, deep inside, I really hate crushes. I hate infatuations. I'm sick and tired of that. It's a nice dream, but I don't want to get hurt again upon awakening into reality. I should just stay awake.
Maybe I'll film about that someday. Till then, I just hope I could stay as her friend, and maybe become her good friend, for now.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Cloudy Days
So, the holidays are finally here... I should be happy, right? Not so much. First of all, I think I pretty much lost my circle of friends now after what I posted on Facebook - not that I care, of course, but it just kinda sucks. Then, there are loads of assignments just cramming up - all bullshit assignments, of course - leaving me no time to enjoy. And even if I want to enjoy, I don't have anyone to have fun with... Well, not anymore.
But, ah well, I have no regrets. I've always been like this. Primary School, Secondary School. Heck, even in Kindergarten. Mrs. Teo, my Secondary School counselor warned me about this. It's called 'distorted thinking.' It's when one's thoughts get... well, distorted. He'll get confused about some stuff and get the facts wrong. My assumption level is very high, too. So, basically, you could go right out and call me 'insane.' Well, Mrs. Teo wouldn't use that term. A few years ago, this 'condition' didn't reach a level that bad that would make one act like he's crazy or something. Now, I'm afraid it might be a-whole-nother story.
Yeah, so I'm blaming all my actions on a stupid condition. Sue me. It's not my fault I felt insecure. Of course, it was never 'my fault.' Heh. If only Jordan didn't leave me, maybe I would've at least felt a little bit about my pathetic self. That backstabbing bitch.
What am I to do now anyway? What can I do? Everytime I'm left alone or abandoned in some kind of manner, I feel jealous. I get all paranoid. I tried not to. I tried to kid myself and say that I don't feel like my friends have some sort of ill-intentions against me. But I knew the truth. Oh, god, did I know the truth alright.
Mrs. Teo said it was because I'm lack of love, that I needed to embrace the love of my parents or I'll always feel loveless. I'm afraid that by the time I'm able to talk to my father, both my folks will be dead. I could never love my father. That bastard. I don't care what people say, but making me feel worthless is unforgivable... not that I'm worth much, I guess.
So? What is Tang Wee Boon gonna do now? I've pretty much blew Guo Wei away, and now the rest of the pack are probably offensed by now. Ah well. Like they would understand. They are always like this - people. Uncaring, unrelatable. Each day, we lose more of our humanity, even if we don't blatantly show it as much as I do. Even the 'good people' are becoming more animalistic now. Hmph.
He was right - John Connor - or rather, the guy who wrote his lines... Cameron. We won't make it - people. It's in our nature to kill each other.
But, ah well, I have no regrets. I've always been like this. Primary School, Secondary School. Heck, even in Kindergarten. Mrs. Teo, my Secondary School counselor warned me about this. It's called 'distorted thinking.' It's when one's thoughts get... well, distorted. He'll get confused about some stuff and get the facts wrong. My assumption level is very high, too. So, basically, you could go right out and call me 'insane.' Well, Mrs. Teo wouldn't use that term. A few years ago, this 'condition' didn't reach a level that bad that would make one act like he's crazy or something. Now, I'm afraid it might be a-whole-nother story.
Yeah, so I'm blaming all my actions on a stupid condition. Sue me. It's not my fault I felt insecure. Of course, it was never 'my fault.' Heh. If only Jordan didn't leave me, maybe I would've at least felt a little bit about my pathetic self. That backstabbing bitch.
What am I to do now anyway? What can I do? Everytime I'm left alone or abandoned in some kind of manner, I feel jealous. I get all paranoid. I tried not to. I tried to kid myself and say that I don't feel like my friends have some sort of ill-intentions against me. But I knew the truth. Oh, god, did I know the truth alright.
Mrs. Teo said it was because I'm lack of love, that I needed to embrace the love of my parents or I'll always feel loveless. I'm afraid that by the time I'm able to talk to my father, both my folks will be dead. I could never love my father. That bastard. I don't care what people say, but making me feel worthless is unforgivable... not that I'm worth much, I guess.
So? What is Tang Wee Boon gonna do now? I've pretty much blew Guo Wei away, and now the rest of the pack are probably offensed by now. Ah well. Like they would understand. They are always like this - people. Uncaring, unrelatable. Each day, we lose more of our humanity, even if we don't blatantly show it as much as I do. Even the 'good people' are becoming more animalistic now. Hmph.
He was right - John Connor - or rather, the guy who wrote his lines... Cameron. We won't make it - people. It's in our nature to kill each other.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Okay, so maybe things aren't as bad as they seem
Sure, even though that now I have to relink every single of my buttons and images all over again, I guess it's not the end of the world, yet - contrary to the predictions of the Mayans baldies.
Oh, that's 2012? Ah well.
Jasper told me that the process is possible to be completed as long as I do not get myself distracted. Not distracted, in school, with my friends playing Mafia War and joking around, teasing each other every 5 minutes or so. Easy.
Now, I feel kinda like an idiot for being so... left out. I mean, I'm probably the only person in the entire Earth who hadn't realized that splitting the files would cause the disastrous tragedy my classmates were so frustratingly fixing that Thursday afternoon.
Well, I'm not entirely at fault, either, I guess. I mean, I did ask Afiq, Farid and the gang about the reason the boys were relinking their web pages and they weren't exactly clear to me. Hah. Was I an idiot for being so overjoyed that following Friday.
On the bright side of things, my crush seemed relatively friendly to me yesterday. I mean, she probably wouldn't be once she knows'bout my little infatuation over her, but, ah well. It's been a while since I expressed my crush for anyone since... well, since you-know-who's incident back at Valentine '07. Probably a few months later than that. But no, I'm not making the same mistake again - I'm not telling any who that sweet rose of my life is. Well, more like daisy than a rose she is, actually.
Of course, I wonder what she thinks about me. Ultimately, the truth might be that she'll find someone else who doesn't have a crush over her - during near-exam periods - in the future, when she's grown to be a beautiful woman. But, heh, it feels nice, to lie to yourself once in a while, to tell yourself that there's something worth smiling for in your life, even during the dark times.
My mum told me once that having a crush is a very hurtful thing, however. You never get to tell the person how you really feel about her. You just watch her from day to day, yet, she doesn't treat you any different than she would towards any ordinary person. But, during such stressful times, I couldn't possibly think that. I guess I'll just have to learn to craft this feeling of mine into a jewel from its lethal nature.
Things are starting to get better with my friends lately. Sure, it gets kinda cold when I 'accidentally' slipped out a remark I assumed to be humorous once in a while, but eh, that's life. They are carefree people. Sure, angst and annoyance hit them sometimes, but they are still friendly teenagers just wanting to have fun. Well, with the exception of Jasper, probably. :P J/k
Regardless, it still comes down to my wondering what would happen if I fail this year. Sure, I'll get to move on for now, but what about the time after I came out of the NS? Another 6 months of ITE awaits me - with completely new people I never met before. God. I didn't think about the 'meeting new people' part till just now, as I was typing. Heh. Looks like the end of the world would be a better thing than my fate ahead. How am I going to get along with those new folks when I'm already having hell of a time doing so with people I know for 10 months?
And in case Mr. Roy is also reading this, yes, I will fail. I have a lot of missing assignments, and I'm afraid I wouldn't have the time - and, more specifically, spirit - to reattain/recreate them. Well, spirit I could attain, I guess. It's up to me. It's either burning up my time and energy to have faith once more, that I will be able to redraw/rework on those assignments, or it's another round of "Hello Emo" for a good 6 months. If I survive the army.
Yes. Survive. I can't swim. I have flam in my lungs. Large amount of them. Ever notice that I run out of breath only after climbing to the third floor? I wouldn't be able to get an 'easy' job, too, considering my... stupendous education background. In other words, I'm not the type of guy who survives NS. I'm the guy you read about in the newspaper when they do report about the army. Yes, the guy who drowned, dehydrated, entered into cardiac arrest, or even poisoned (so my father said). My father told me that they bring you to places where you need to take pills (to prevent yourself from catching a disease). I got used to that this year, many months ago, but eh, who knows? I still can't swim.
Of course, this gets me wondering how many men in Singapore today cannot swim. Did they all die after entering the army? Did the officer in-charge look out for that special loser each year who couldn't swim, waiting to push him down a river? J/k But seriously, if ITE gets this bad when it's known to be 'lax,' how much worse will the NS be?
God, 3 hours before Saw is finished downloading from Stagevu. What a hell of a long time. It is a long time, if you think about the amount of time I get each day after returning from school. I barely have enough time to go print Ms Lulu's work, of which the previous one (the logo design) I have yet to print out yet. Heh.
But nah, don't be mistaken. I might be lazy, but I'm not... incurable. That's the word. Life seems hard for me, but at the end of the day, I just keep on trying. No, it's not because of the support from friends. Their support isn't that strong, even though I do appreciate it when they provide that - in like, every two months or so, when they're not too busy. :P It's not because of my parents' love, either. Heck, there's barely any love left in the family, but I digress.
It's not really Him, God Almighty, either. Well, maybe it is, but I couldn't really get myself to admit it. I never got myself to go to the church last Sunday like I posted I would anyway. I never prayed since...that last time, when I was worrying about finish slicing properly last Friday.
Maybe it is God. But who knows? That's the problem with my faith. I need to know He exists to believe in Him. But this topic is getting too dragged on, and I need to go change my clothes now anyway.
Till next time,
Flare
Oh, that's 2012? Ah well.
Jasper told me that the process is possible to be completed as long as I do not get myself distracted. Not distracted, in school, with my friends playing Mafia War and joking around, teasing each other every 5 minutes or so. Easy.
Now, I feel kinda like an idiot for being so... left out. I mean, I'm probably the only person in the entire Earth who hadn't realized that splitting the files would cause the disastrous tragedy my classmates were so frustratingly fixing that Thursday afternoon.
Well, I'm not entirely at fault, either, I guess. I mean, I did ask Afiq, Farid and the gang about the reason the boys were relinking their web pages and they weren't exactly clear to me. Hah. Was I an idiot for being so overjoyed that following Friday.
On the bright side of things, my crush seemed relatively friendly to me yesterday. I mean, she probably wouldn't be once she knows'bout my little infatuation over her, but, ah well. It's been a while since I expressed my crush for anyone since... well, since you-know-who's incident back at Valentine '07. Probably a few months later than that. But no, I'm not making the same mistake again - I'm not telling any who that sweet rose of my life is. Well, more like daisy than a rose she is, actually.
Of course, I wonder what she thinks about me. Ultimately, the truth might be that she'll find someone else who doesn't have a crush over her - during near-exam periods - in the future, when she's grown to be a beautiful woman. But, heh, it feels nice, to lie to yourself once in a while, to tell yourself that there's something worth smiling for in your life, even during the dark times.
My mum told me once that having a crush is a very hurtful thing, however. You never get to tell the person how you really feel about her. You just watch her from day to day, yet, she doesn't treat you any different than she would towards any ordinary person. But, during such stressful times, I couldn't possibly think that. I guess I'll just have to learn to craft this feeling of mine into a jewel from its lethal nature.
Things are starting to get better with my friends lately. Sure, it gets kinda cold when I 'accidentally' slipped out a remark I assumed to be humorous once in a while, but eh, that's life. They are carefree people. Sure, angst and annoyance hit them sometimes, but they are still friendly teenagers just wanting to have fun. Well, with the exception of Jasper, probably. :P J/k
Regardless, it still comes down to my wondering what would happen if I fail this year. Sure, I'll get to move on for now, but what about the time after I came out of the NS? Another 6 months of ITE awaits me - with completely new people I never met before. God. I didn't think about the 'meeting new people' part till just now, as I was typing. Heh. Looks like the end of the world would be a better thing than my fate ahead. How am I going to get along with those new folks when I'm already having hell of a time doing so with people I know for 10 months?
And in case Mr. Roy is also reading this, yes, I will fail. I have a lot of missing assignments, and I'm afraid I wouldn't have the time - and, more specifically, spirit - to reattain/recreate them. Well, spirit I could attain, I guess. It's up to me. It's either burning up my time and energy to have faith once more, that I will be able to redraw/rework on those assignments, or it's another round of "Hello Emo" for a good 6 months. If I survive the army.
Yes. Survive. I can't swim. I have flam in my lungs. Large amount of them. Ever notice that I run out of breath only after climbing to the third floor? I wouldn't be able to get an 'easy' job, too, considering my... stupendous education background. In other words, I'm not the type of guy who survives NS. I'm the guy you read about in the newspaper when they do report about the army. Yes, the guy who drowned, dehydrated, entered into cardiac arrest, or even poisoned (so my father said). My father told me that they bring you to places where you need to take pills (to prevent yourself from catching a disease). I got used to that this year, many months ago, but eh, who knows? I still can't swim.
Of course, this gets me wondering how many men in Singapore today cannot swim. Did they all die after entering the army? Did the officer in-charge look out for that special loser each year who couldn't swim, waiting to push him down a river? J/k But seriously, if ITE gets this bad when it's known to be 'lax,' how much worse will the NS be?
God, 3 hours before Saw is finished downloading from Stagevu. What a hell of a long time. It is a long time, if you think about the amount of time I get each day after returning from school. I barely have enough time to go print Ms Lulu's work, of which the previous one (the logo design) I have yet to print out yet. Heh.
But nah, don't be mistaken. I might be lazy, but I'm not... incurable. That's the word. Life seems hard for me, but at the end of the day, I just keep on trying. No, it's not because of the support from friends. Their support isn't that strong, even though I do appreciate it when they provide that - in like, every two months or so, when they're not too busy. :P It's not because of my parents' love, either. Heck, there's barely any love left in the family, but I digress.
It's not really Him, God Almighty, either. Well, maybe it is, but I couldn't really get myself to admit it. I never got myself to go to the church last Sunday like I posted I would anyway. I never prayed since...that last time, when I was worrying about finish slicing properly last Friday.
Maybe it is God. But who knows? That's the problem with my faith. I need to know He exists to believe in Him. But this topic is getting too dragged on, and I need to go change my clothes now anyway.
Till next time,
Flare
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Let's get some things straight...
It's been rather stressful - no, make that extremely stressful for me nowadays... not that my 'friends' know of, that is. Sure, they know, but they are either indifferent about it or they just don't understand the tremendous amount of pressure I'm under - even if I did cause most of those pressure myself...
No. You know what? I tried my best. It's not my intention to not catch up in my studies. It's not my intention to put myself on a path to retainment. And it's definitely not my intention for my circle of friends to act like insensitive pricks.
Let's face it - I don't really get along well with Chester and the gang, no matter how much I kid myself. I don't have much resentment towards them, I just find them insensitive and, I guess, at this point, I feel more indifference towards them than anything similar to hatred. That's bad, because, even though I hated Jordan, I don't find him heartless. Not that Samuel and the pack are, but it's just that at least I was able to feel friendliness from Jordan, a more human side from him than my current social-circle.
Guess I am to be lonely for the rest of my life. Guess it is really a curse from God.
I don't really feel much sorrow now, contrary to the tone I'm setting through my words. I just feel numb. I mean, sorrow was something I felt about some hours ago, back at the Mac Lab; complete worry, a desperate hole in my mind. I believe I've either lost or have yet to complete most of my assignments, specifically those of Wee Tat's and Lulu's. Of course, there's no one to blame but myself. But still, it is in these desperate times do you truly see who are your true friends - and who are just... well, I wouldn't go as far as using the word, "selfish," but, indifferent people are. I'm alone in this dark period now.
And everytime a dark time falls over me, I came in contact with the only being I'm able to reach - God Himself. True, I was quite indifferent towards Him, too, and there is no excuse for that. But, that's just the way I am. I'm trying, though, to change, to evolve. I'm perceiving that message God has been trying to set, that there's no peace without Him. My life will be a constant battle that's even worse than it would be with Him in it. It is time I stop being stubborn and raise the white flag - there's no benefit in going against a god.
Yet, it is so hard. It's so easy, too, to go to church. However, the determination, the attitude, the will to go there, the will to remain in a mentality that would have me follow the word of God is one that's so difficult to be attained by me if I don't have that determination. It is so easy to just step out that front door on a Sunday. It's just not that easy to be happy doing it. That's what He wants - me willingly following His words, not through force. Of course, that time might never come, because I don't have a strong mind.
So grind it, I guess I'll have to. A man without limbs was able to grind his till a state where he's able to smile his way through people. It's not understandable by me, but, I have nothing to lose anyway. It will just be very stressful. And lonely. Hm. It's a good thing those sh*t's been occurring throughout my whole life, then.
Once, I thought of a saying that goes, "It's pathetic, that fictitious people are more human and caring than real people will ever be." It contradicts what the true is - that it makes sense for real people to be weaker and more self-centered as it we aren't saints, after all - but it is sad. Maybe it's not to a pathetic level, but it is sad. People reading this might find me to be insane or bizarre (especially the girls and Farid and the gang), but I had hoped that the human characters of the Digimon anime are real people, and that they are my friends. When you get as lonely as I do, your mind starts to wander. You get desperate, and then you start to think this type of, what most of my current classmates would label as 'weird sh*t.'
God, are they such good friends to one another. They are such a nice group of people, being there for each other without question or indications. Of course, being fictitious characters, they would naturally know the right thing to say. But, even if my friends don't, I would probably feel better if they do ask instead of acting like 'buo chap.' God, that's the reason I detested Jordan.
But, my current friends are somewhat of a lower level. Well, one of them, anyway. Samuel Chow. I was already sinking to a sea-level of depression, yet he had the thick-skin to 'gang up' on me with Joshua Wee, teasing me about how I'm going to 'die' tomorrow. Prick. I don't mind Joshua 'mad dog' Wee going about me, barking away - but my own friend, stabbing me in the back. Heh. Not that I'm not used to it anyway.
Guess that's why I'm so urgent to find a mate, someone who could understand me and care about me. Someone I could rely on. Someone who I could cry to when stressed. I've never cried for the longest time. All these emotions, built up in me. It hurts. It hurts so bad.
No. You know what? I tried my best. It's not my intention to not catch up in my studies. It's not my intention to put myself on a path to retainment. And it's definitely not my intention for my circle of friends to act like insensitive pricks.
Let's face it - I don't really get along well with Chester and the gang, no matter how much I kid myself. I don't have much resentment towards them, I just find them insensitive and, I guess, at this point, I feel more indifference towards them than anything similar to hatred. That's bad, because, even though I hated Jordan, I don't find him heartless. Not that Samuel and the pack are, but it's just that at least I was able to feel friendliness from Jordan, a more human side from him than my current social-circle.
Guess I am to be lonely for the rest of my life. Guess it is really a curse from God.
I don't really feel much sorrow now, contrary to the tone I'm setting through my words. I just feel numb. I mean, sorrow was something I felt about some hours ago, back at the Mac Lab; complete worry, a desperate hole in my mind. I believe I've either lost or have yet to complete most of my assignments, specifically those of Wee Tat's and Lulu's. Of course, there's no one to blame but myself. But still, it is in these desperate times do you truly see who are your true friends - and who are just... well, I wouldn't go as far as using the word, "selfish," but, indifferent people are. I'm alone in this dark period now.
And everytime a dark time falls over me, I came in contact with the only being I'm able to reach - God Himself. True, I was quite indifferent towards Him, too, and there is no excuse for that. But, that's just the way I am. I'm trying, though, to change, to evolve. I'm perceiving that message God has been trying to set, that there's no peace without Him. My life will be a constant battle that's even worse than it would be with Him in it. It is time I stop being stubborn and raise the white flag - there's no benefit in going against a god.
Yet, it is so hard. It's so easy, too, to go to church. However, the determination, the attitude, the will to go there, the will to remain in a mentality that would have me follow the word of God is one that's so difficult to be attained by me if I don't have that determination. It is so easy to just step out that front door on a Sunday. It's just not that easy to be happy doing it. That's what He wants - me willingly following His words, not through force. Of course, that time might never come, because I don't have a strong mind.
So grind it, I guess I'll have to. A man without limbs was able to grind his till a state where he's able to smile his way through people. It's not understandable by me, but, I have nothing to lose anyway. It will just be very stressful. And lonely. Hm. It's a good thing those sh*t's been occurring throughout my whole life, then.
Once, I thought of a saying that goes, "It's pathetic, that fictitious people are more human and caring than real people will ever be." It contradicts what the true is - that it makes sense for real people to be weaker and more self-centered as it we aren't saints, after all - but it is sad. Maybe it's not to a pathetic level, but it is sad. People reading this might find me to be insane or bizarre (especially the girls and Farid and the gang), but I had hoped that the human characters of the Digimon anime are real people, and that they are my friends. When you get as lonely as I do, your mind starts to wander. You get desperate, and then you start to think this type of, what most of my current classmates would label as 'weird sh*t.'
God, are they such good friends to one another. They are such a nice group of people, being there for each other without question or indications. Of course, being fictitious characters, they would naturally know the right thing to say. But, even if my friends don't, I would probably feel better if they do ask instead of acting like 'buo chap.' God, that's the reason I detested Jordan.
But, my current friends are somewhat of a lower level. Well, one of them, anyway. Samuel Chow. I was already sinking to a sea-level of depression, yet he had the thick-skin to 'gang up' on me with Joshua Wee, teasing me about how I'm going to 'die' tomorrow. Prick. I don't mind Joshua 'mad dog' Wee going about me, barking away - but my own friend, stabbing me in the back. Heh. Not that I'm not used to it anyway.
Guess that's why I'm so urgent to find a mate, someone who could understand me and care about me. Someone I could rely on. Someone who I could cry to when stressed. I've never cried for the longest time. All these emotions, built up in me. It hurts. It hurts so bad.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Annoying. Simply annoying.
Hui Qing and the girl who always sits one seat away from me in Wee Tat's class (Jia Ling, I think?) are constantly jabbering away, leaving me no peace. Ugh. Nowadays, I feel more distanced from society than ever. It won't be long when I'll finally be a total social outcast, not only from this class, but also from the entire country... and soon, through the help of the Internet, probably pretty much the rest of this pathetic Earth, too.
So, Chester and the gang had went ahead and watch "Where Got Ghost?" without me after Roy's class today. I kept on telling myself that I had no reason to be bothered by this one little silly issue, but the matter of fact, as much as I try and deny it, is that it should be a matter to be concerned with.
Ugh, having so much trouble trying to gather my thoughts with those loud female high-pitched voices by my ear...
By abandoning me (even if it was by accident, assuming that it was), my (only remaining) circle of friends showed me just how fragile I am in this social cycle. I mean, not much regard is given to me most of the time while I'm in class. In other words, after eight months of effort in fitting in, I've not succeeded in being someone worth caring about.
I told Guo Wei yesterday that it occurred to me that nobody ever talks about their social issues and problems in life. Part of me told him that because it is a fact - other than the girls at occasional times, the guys just talk about shallow stuff, as far as I know. The other part of me wrote that (through Windows Live Messenger) because... nobody gave a fuck about my life. But, I didn't mind that, and probably still don't. For me to be hurt by people not caring about me, I'll have to care about those people first. I don't care about my classmates (much), so, I guess that's why I'm not so pained by this, and it probably fits fair for them to treat me the same way.
I mean, I tried to care. I tried to fit in. But, it's getting so tiring. With the recent departure of my Secondary School buddy, Jordan Teo, hope is starting to diminish. However, I await here for a savior of my life, as that's the only thing I could do now.
I feel numb and empty on the inside. Almost every week, I had the thought of suicide, trying to bring this pointless living into reason. Yet, I have no balls. No only will it be a painful procedure, but the end result is not pretty either. I'm more than sinful, and suicide guarantees a straight trip to burning hell without trial, according to my mum. So, I'm left here, wandering through the oceans of agony for what feels like an eternity after another.
Still kinda miss Jordan at this point. As heartless as he seemed to be when he let me go instead of messaging me something on that fateful day a couple of weeks back, in this moment of desperation, I could only reach up towards the only person who allowed me to be myself, the only person who gave a shred of concern about my pitiful life. And, he was as much of a film buff as I was, if not acted like one for my sake. So, even if all these had been an act, even if all these was phony illusion, those memories were happy, and I miss them.
I miss the times Ng Yong Yao was with me, too. How he lectured me. At least he cared enough to lecture me. God, he was mature, and such a good friend. He was almost the perfect one compared to my Primary School mate, Caleb Chan and Jordan. He studied in Queensway Secondary with me, too, till about June at the first year I was held back in Sec 3, when he transferred to another school. Kinda wish that he remains my friend till this day right now. Pathetic, really, having to think about him only when I'm in peril.
Wee Tat is rushing me about my work. Heh. Kinda hate it how I have the need to blog immediately upon having the urge - or not blog at all. I mean, I couldn't try and remember what I want to blog right now, go home and post it later - I won't feel like blogging by then. The disadvantage to that is that my post will be publicly viewed as I type the post. Even though the final post could be viewed by the public, not everyone will make the troublesome attempt to read the post, as compared to someone passing by and catching sight of my writing. Luckily, these people, as I wrote, don't give a fuck.
Should I talk to Jordan again? Will he even talk to me at all after I just ditched him like that because he made one too many mistakes? I did tell him it wasn't out of hostility, but out of desperation - out of my natural instinct to lessen my pain. Why should I be the one who feels guilty in this picture when I'm the victim? Hm. Guess that's life's little twisted irony.
Calling him again will be painful, and it won't be a short pain. He won't answer my call as he never did nowadays, rendering me determined enough to continue calling. And then, finally, when he does answer the call, I will face an angry tirade of 'fuck yous' and 'I'm done with this friendship.' Chances of all these happening: 80%.
Guess now isn't the time for me to trouble myself with these social problems, what with my academical problems building up, too.
Just thought of something. Guo Wei said that my classmates only tell about their social issues to the people who they trust. I trust people. All I need is one person to ask... but, it won't help in the long process anyway, especially if he/she doesn't aid me throughout this course in my mentality.
I'm not doing very well in my academical area nowadays. I'm late for lessons or entirely miss them. I had little to no sleep. I feel like a suicidal attempt isn't necessary anymore to guarantee a death for me. I feel like each part of me is dying away, wilting.
I might never become a filmmaker in the future, achieving my dream, especially if I don't start working hard right now. Pity. I always wanted to make a film account of my life, had always thought my life is conflictual and twisted enough to make a movie about it. If this be a film, then this place, ITE, will be the second to last place of my final damnation, the aspect of the film where the 'resolution' is supposed to be before the ending/conclusion. The NS will be my place of death, probably. Not having a fine education background, I'll probably be pushed to perform physical work, and what with my overflowing flam and poor stamina, Death is practically standing by the borders of the army site.
Will anyone discover this story and make a movie out of it on my behalf? I doubt it. But, He moves in mysterious ways, as they (including Satan in "End of Days") said, so we never know. I'm gonna brood over whether if I should make a call to Jordan. I might just send him a message first, just in case he won't pick up. I know that he is my last hope of salvation - ironically, as I abandoned him to seek salvation.
So, Chester and the gang had went ahead and watch "Where Got Ghost?" without me after Roy's class today. I kept on telling myself that I had no reason to be bothered by this one little silly issue, but the matter of fact, as much as I try and deny it, is that it should be a matter to be concerned with.
Ugh, having so much trouble trying to gather my thoughts with those loud female high-pitched voices by my ear...
By abandoning me (even if it was by accident, assuming that it was), my (only remaining) circle of friends showed me just how fragile I am in this social cycle. I mean, not much regard is given to me most of the time while I'm in class. In other words, after eight months of effort in fitting in, I've not succeeded in being someone worth caring about.
I told Guo Wei yesterday that it occurred to me that nobody ever talks about their social issues and problems in life. Part of me told him that because it is a fact - other than the girls at occasional times, the guys just talk about shallow stuff, as far as I know. The other part of me wrote that (through Windows Live Messenger) because... nobody gave a fuck about my life. But, I didn't mind that, and probably still don't. For me to be hurt by people not caring about me, I'll have to care about those people first. I don't care about my classmates (much), so, I guess that's why I'm not so pained by this, and it probably fits fair for them to treat me the same way.
I mean, I tried to care. I tried to fit in. But, it's getting so tiring. With the recent departure of my Secondary School buddy, Jordan Teo, hope is starting to diminish. However, I await here for a savior of my life, as that's the only thing I could do now.
I feel numb and empty on the inside. Almost every week, I had the thought of suicide, trying to bring this pointless living into reason. Yet, I have no balls. No only will it be a painful procedure, but the end result is not pretty either. I'm more than sinful, and suicide guarantees a straight trip to burning hell without trial, according to my mum. So, I'm left here, wandering through the oceans of agony for what feels like an eternity after another.
Still kinda miss Jordan at this point. As heartless as he seemed to be when he let me go instead of messaging me something on that fateful day a couple of weeks back, in this moment of desperation, I could only reach up towards the only person who allowed me to be myself, the only person who gave a shred of concern about my pitiful life. And, he was as much of a film buff as I was, if not acted like one for my sake. So, even if all these had been an act, even if all these was phony illusion, those memories were happy, and I miss them.
I miss the times Ng Yong Yao was with me, too. How he lectured me. At least he cared enough to lecture me. God, he was mature, and such a good friend. He was almost the perfect one compared to my Primary School mate, Caleb Chan and Jordan. He studied in Queensway Secondary with me, too, till about June at the first year I was held back in Sec 3, when he transferred to another school. Kinda wish that he remains my friend till this day right now. Pathetic, really, having to think about him only when I'm in peril.
Wee Tat is rushing me about my work. Heh. Kinda hate it how I have the need to blog immediately upon having the urge - or not blog at all. I mean, I couldn't try and remember what I want to blog right now, go home and post it later - I won't feel like blogging by then. The disadvantage to that is that my post will be publicly viewed as I type the post. Even though the final post could be viewed by the public, not everyone will make the troublesome attempt to read the post, as compared to someone passing by and catching sight of my writing. Luckily, these people, as I wrote, don't give a fuck.
Should I talk to Jordan again? Will he even talk to me at all after I just ditched him like that because he made one too many mistakes? I did tell him it wasn't out of hostility, but out of desperation - out of my natural instinct to lessen my pain. Why should I be the one who feels guilty in this picture when I'm the victim? Hm. Guess that's life's little twisted irony.
Calling him again will be painful, and it won't be a short pain. He won't answer my call as he never did nowadays, rendering me determined enough to continue calling. And then, finally, when he does answer the call, I will face an angry tirade of 'fuck yous' and 'I'm done with this friendship.' Chances of all these happening: 80%.
Guess now isn't the time for me to trouble myself with these social problems, what with my academical problems building up, too.
Just thought of something. Guo Wei said that my classmates only tell about their social issues to the people who they trust. I trust people. All I need is one person to ask... but, it won't help in the long process anyway, especially if he/she doesn't aid me throughout this course in my mentality.
I'm not doing very well in my academical area nowadays. I'm late for lessons or entirely miss them. I had little to no sleep. I feel like a suicidal attempt isn't necessary anymore to guarantee a death for me. I feel like each part of me is dying away, wilting.
I might never become a filmmaker in the future, achieving my dream, especially if I don't start working hard right now. Pity. I always wanted to make a film account of my life, had always thought my life is conflictual and twisted enough to make a movie about it. If this be a film, then this place, ITE, will be the second to last place of my final damnation, the aspect of the film where the 'resolution' is supposed to be before the ending/conclusion. The NS will be my place of death, probably. Not having a fine education background, I'll probably be pushed to perform physical work, and what with my overflowing flam and poor stamina, Death is practically standing by the borders of the army site.
Will anyone discover this story and make a movie out of it on my behalf? I doubt it. But, He moves in mysterious ways, as they (including Satan in "End of Days") said, so we never know. I'm gonna brood over whether if I should make a call to Jordan. I might just send him a message first, just in case he won't pick up. I know that he is my last hope of salvation - ironically, as I abandoned him to seek salvation.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
*insert profane insult*
I'm still not ready to get out of this shell. It won't make a difference if I do anyway. My 'circle of friends' would be themselves, and there's no changing that, nor changing me. It's not their fault they are displaying indifference, nor do I blame them... For Jordan, it's a difference case - none of my current ITE classmates claimed to be my bestfriend; Jordan, however, did.
Making that kind of statement automatically sets a kind of commitment to me. I felt that it was a promise made - a very significant promise at that. I felt his warm compassion, and I assumed something - again. I had thought that it was all going to be better, that I finally have that other part of me, a partner, a teammate of my life, somebody to guide me through and help me when I'm in need. Boy, was I wrong.
Jordan is not nasty; he's just picky when it comes to giving his concern to people, or, rather, he only cares when it is not taking out his time or inconveniences him. I guess I have no right to be angry about that. Maybe my expectations of having him being the most perfect friend there is kinda clouded my judgment. Nevertheless, I too had been tolerant.
I did try not to be so self-centered when it comes to receiving his care and concern. Over the pass few weeks, I faced many tiring battles alone, not blaming him several times for not being there, for leaving me drenched in that single spot the rain is pouring over. Naturally, it felt terrible that I had no one to rely on. Thankfully, my classmates were not completely cold and uncomprehending of one of my situations, and reached out to... well, 'care,' I guess... Regardless of its minuteness, it was better than nothing, and it kept me from breaking down. But, right now, I'm not so sure if mental breakdown is a heartbeat away or not.
I'm trying to make sense of it all, but I need a helping hand. Otherwise, I feel that I'm just going to keep dropping into that pitch black hole of emo. It's only August, and I'm already having school-phobia. Each day, it's getting worse, and it feels more painful. I don't want to do this - I don't want to go to school. But, do I have a choice? Do I have a say in this voiceless country?
When push turns to shove, something's bound to happen. Who knows what will happen if I continue to force myself down this road of wretched disdain for school and for the people around me. I guess there is only one solution to this - to die.
In all things that are basic, I feel that my life is getting more pointless by the second. No one really cares about me, and that's the truth. Maybe one of my classmates might still be concerned over my well-being (despite not showing it), but it hurts too much for me to feel anything. I'm going nuts. Everyday, I try and numb myself with stupid shit. Nowadays, I do that by watching Heroes and Heroes: Unmasked and by playing countless hours of Halo - both activities on my shitty laptop. Did I have a great life back then? I believe so. Did I destroy that beautiful picture through my reckless actions? Maybe. Did I singlehandidly destroy that picture? A definite no.
Why do I act the way I do in school, some might ask. Well, for one, it feels good, being rebellious. Another thing revolves around human nature. We act how we feel. Other than those five words, I truthfully don't have any other answers.
I'm so tired - mentally - just wish it would all stop. I feel so afraid of the impending future. Am I going to live in this torturous state for as long as I live?
Right now, at this minute, I don't want to care anymore, but that doesn't mean I won't.
Making that kind of statement automatically sets a kind of commitment to me. I felt that it was a promise made - a very significant promise at that. I felt his warm compassion, and I assumed something - again. I had thought that it was all going to be better, that I finally have that other part of me, a partner, a teammate of my life, somebody to guide me through and help me when I'm in need. Boy, was I wrong.
Jordan is not nasty; he's just picky when it comes to giving his concern to people, or, rather, he only cares when it is not taking out his time or inconveniences him. I guess I have no right to be angry about that. Maybe my expectations of having him being the most perfect friend there is kinda clouded my judgment. Nevertheless, I too had been tolerant.
I did try not to be so self-centered when it comes to receiving his care and concern. Over the pass few weeks, I faced many tiring battles alone, not blaming him several times for not being there, for leaving me drenched in that single spot the rain is pouring over. Naturally, it felt terrible that I had no one to rely on. Thankfully, my classmates were not completely cold and uncomprehending of one of my situations, and reached out to... well, 'care,' I guess... Regardless of its minuteness, it was better than nothing, and it kept me from breaking down. But, right now, I'm not so sure if mental breakdown is a heartbeat away or not.
I'm trying to make sense of it all, but I need a helping hand. Otherwise, I feel that I'm just going to keep dropping into that pitch black hole of emo. It's only August, and I'm already having school-phobia. Each day, it's getting worse, and it feels more painful. I don't want to do this - I don't want to go to school. But, do I have a choice? Do I have a say in this voiceless country?
When push turns to shove, something's bound to happen. Who knows what will happen if I continue to force myself down this road of wretched disdain for school and for the people around me. I guess there is only one solution to this - to die.
In all things that are basic, I feel that my life is getting more pointless by the second. No one really cares about me, and that's the truth. Maybe one of my classmates might still be concerned over my well-being (despite not showing it), but it hurts too much for me to feel anything. I'm going nuts. Everyday, I try and numb myself with stupid shit. Nowadays, I do that by watching Heroes and Heroes: Unmasked and by playing countless hours of Halo - both activities on my shitty laptop. Did I have a great life back then? I believe so. Did I destroy that beautiful picture through my reckless actions? Maybe. Did I singlehandidly destroy that picture? A definite no.
Why do I act the way I do in school, some might ask. Well, for one, it feels good, being rebellious. Another thing revolves around human nature. We act how we feel. Other than those five words, I truthfully don't have any other answers.
I'm so tired - mentally - just wish it would all stop. I feel so afraid of the impending future. Am I going to live in this torturous state for as long as I live?
Right now, at this minute, I don't want to care anymore, but that doesn't mean I won't.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Facing Myself
It's time I stop kidding myself. I am who I am. As much as I hate to admit it, I am pessimistic and ireful towards the world. I don't social well - period - I had several episodes of abusive language and behavior, and I absolutely have no feelings for my class and my school, of which the latter is a, what I'd like to call, the hell hole I am and will be living in for the next year or so. Brilliant.
So many things happened since I last posted. Jordan and I are having friendship issues again, I made a plan of doing a "Pixar's 'Up' marathon (which, currently, has little point to me)," I lost my wallet with my I/C in it, I got in more arguments with the staff of ITE, I felt like killing myself on several occasions over the past few weeks, I was banned from Pixar Planet forums, I was in a heated argument with a 14 years old dork (which, for the most parts anyway, caused my suicidal thoughts), and, guess what - I'm still as lonely as I was four years ago.
First thing's first - Jordan Teo. Being friends with him for so long now, we had a discussion once about how long our friendship would last. He said "50 years." I smiled. However, up till this moment, it's only been three years, and look at where we are now.
God, I'm feeling so lazy right now, so, maybe I'll post another day. Maybe I won't.
Fuck you guys.
So many things happened since I last posted. Jordan and I are having friendship issues again, I made a plan of doing a "Pixar's 'Up' marathon (which, currently, has little point to me)," I lost my wallet with my I/C in it, I got in more arguments with the staff of ITE, I felt like killing myself on several occasions over the past few weeks, I was banned from Pixar Planet forums, I was in a heated argument with a 14 years old dork (which, for the most parts anyway, caused my suicidal thoughts), and, guess what - I'm still as lonely as I was four years ago.
First thing's first - Jordan Teo. Being friends with him for so long now, we had a discussion once about how long our friendship would last. He said "50 years." I smiled. However, up till this moment, it's only been three years, and look at where we are now.
God, I'm feeling so lazy right now, so, maybe I'll post another day. Maybe I won't.
Fuck you guys.
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