It's been rather stressful - no, make that extremely stressful for me nowadays... not that my 'friends' know of, that is. Sure, they know, but they are either indifferent about it or they just don't understand the tremendous amount of pressure I'm under - even if I did cause most of those pressure myself...
No. You know what? I tried my best. It's not my intention to not catch up in my studies. It's not my intention to put myself on a path to retainment. And it's definitely not my intention for my circle of friends to act like insensitive pricks.
Let's face it - I don't really get along well with Chester and the gang, no matter how much I kid myself. I don't have much resentment towards them, I just find them insensitive and, I guess, at this point, I feel more indifference towards them than anything similar to hatred. That's bad, because, even though I hated Jordan, I don't find him heartless. Not that Samuel and the pack are, but it's just that at least I was able to feel friendliness from Jordan, a more human side from him than my current social-circle.
Guess I am to be lonely for the rest of my life. Guess it is really a curse from God.
I don't really feel much sorrow now, contrary to the tone I'm setting through my words. I just feel numb. I mean, sorrow was something I felt about some hours ago, back at the Mac Lab; complete worry, a desperate hole in my mind. I believe I've either lost or have yet to complete most of my assignments, specifically those of Wee Tat's and Lulu's. Of course, there's no one to blame but myself. But still, it is in these desperate times do you truly see who are your true friends - and who are just... well, I wouldn't go as far as using the word, "selfish," but, indifferent people are. I'm alone in this dark period now.
And everytime a dark time falls over me, I came in contact with the only being I'm able to reach - God Himself. True, I was quite indifferent towards Him, too, and there is no excuse for that. But, that's just the way I am. I'm trying, though, to change, to evolve. I'm perceiving that message God has been trying to set, that there's no peace without Him. My life will be a constant battle that's even worse than it would be with Him in it. It is time I stop being stubborn and raise the white flag - there's no benefit in going against a god.
Yet, it is so hard. It's so easy, too, to go to church. However, the determination, the attitude, the will to go there, the will to remain in a mentality that would have me follow the word of God is one that's so difficult to be attained by me if I don't have that determination. It is so easy to just step out that front door on a Sunday. It's just not that easy to be happy doing it. That's what He wants - me willingly following His words, not through force. Of course, that time might never come, because I don't have a strong mind.
So grind it, I guess I'll have to. A man without limbs was able to grind his till a state where he's able to smile his way through people. It's not understandable by me, but, I have nothing to lose anyway. It will just be very stressful. And lonely. Hm. It's a good thing those sh*t's been occurring throughout my whole life, then.
Once, I thought of a saying that goes, "It's pathetic, that fictitious people are more human and caring than real people will ever be." It contradicts what the true is - that it makes sense for real people to be weaker and more self-centered as it we aren't saints, after all - but it is sad. Maybe it's not to a pathetic level, but it is sad. People reading this might find me to be insane or bizarre (especially the girls and Farid and the gang), but I had hoped that the human characters of the Digimon anime are real people, and that they are my friends. When you get as lonely as I do, your mind starts to wander. You get desperate, and then you start to think this type of, what most of my current classmates would label as 'weird sh*t.'
God, are they such good friends to one another. They are such a nice group of people, being there for each other without question or indications. Of course, being fictitious characters, they would naturally know the right thing to say. But, even if my friends don't, I would probably feel better if they do ask instead of acting like 'buo chap.' God, that's the reason I detested Jordan.
But, my current friends are somewhat of a lower level. Well, one of them, anyway. Samuel Chow. I was already sinking to a sea-level of depression, yet he had the thick-skin to 'gang up' on me with Joshua Wee, teasing me about how I'm going to 'die' tomorrow. Prick. I don't mind Joshua 'mad dog' Wee going about me, barking away - but my own friend, stabbing me in the back. Heh. Not that I'm not used to it anyway.
Guess that's why I'm so urgent to find a mate, someone who could understand me and care about me. Someone I could rely on. Someone who I could cry to when stressed. I've never cried for the longest time. All these emotions, built up in me. It hurts. It hurts so bad.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment