*insert profane insult*

I'm still not ready to get out of this shell. It won't make a difference if I do anyway. My 'circle of friends' would be themselves, and there's no changing that, nor changing me. It's not their fault they are displaying indifference, nor do I blame them... For Jordan, it's a difference case - none of my current ITE classmates claimed to be my bestfriend; Jordan, however, did.

Making that kind of statement automatically sets a kind of commitment to me. I felt that it was a promise made - a very significant promise at that. I felt his warm compassion, and I assumed something - again. I had thought that it was all going to be better, that I finally have that other part of me, a partner, a teammate of my life, somebody to guide me through and help me when I'm in need. Boy, was I wrong.

Jordan is not nasty; he's just picky when it comes to giving his concern to people, or, rather, he only cares when it is not taking out his time or inconveniences him. I guess I have no right to be angry about that. Maybe my expectations of having him being the most perfect friend there is kinda clouded my judgment. Nevertheless, I too had been tolerant.

I did try not to be so self-centered when it comes to receiving his care and concern. Over the pass few weeks, I faced many tiring battles alone, not blaming him several times for not being there, for leaving me drenched in that single spot the rain is pouring over. Naturally, it felt terrible that I had no one to rely on. Thankfully, my classmates were not completely cold and uncomprehending of one of my situations, and reached out to... well, 'care,' I guess... Regardless of its minuteness, it was better than nothing, and it kept me from breaking down. But, right now, I'm not so sure if mental breakdown is a heartbeat away or not.

I'm trying to make sense of it all, but I need a helping hand. Otherwise, I feel that I'm just going to keep dropping into that pitch black hole of emo. It's only August, and I'm already having school-phobia. Each day, it's getting worse, and it feels more painful. I don't want to do this - I don't want to go to school. But, do I have a choice? Do I have a say in this voiceless country?

When push turns to shove, something's bound to happen. Who knows what will happen if I continue to force myself down this road of wretched disdain for school and for the people around me. I guess there is only one solution to this - to die.

In all things that are basic, I feel that my life is getting more pointless by the second. No one really cares about me, and that's the truth. Maybe one of my classmates might still be concerned over my well-being (despite not showing it), but it hurts too much for me to feel anything. I'm going nuts. Everyday, I try and numb myself with stupid shit. Nowadays, I do that by watching Heroes and Heroes: Unmasked and by playing countless hours of Halo - both activities on my shitty laptop. Did I have a great life back then? I believe so. Did I destroy that beautiful picture through my reckless actions? Maybe. Did I singlehandidly destroy that picture? A definite no.

Why do I act the way I do in school, some might ask. Well, for one, it feels good, being rebellious. Another thing revolves around human nature. We act how we feel. Other than those five words, I truthfully don't have any other answers.

I'm so tired - mentally - just wish it would all stop. I feel so afraid of the impending future. Am I going to live in this torturous state for as long as I live?

Right now, at this minute, I don't want to care anymore, but that doesn't mean I won't.