Annoying. Simply annoying.

Hui Qing and the girl who always sits one seat away from me in Wee Tat's class (Jia Ling, I think?) are constantly jabbering away, leaving me no peace. Ugh. Nowadays, I feel more distanced from society than ever. It won't be long when I'll finally be a total social outcast, not only from this class, but also from the entire country... and soon, through the help of the Internet, probably pretty much the rest of this pathetic Earth, too.

So, Chester and the gang had went ahead and watch "Where Got Ghost?" without me after Roy's class today. I kept on telling myself that I had no reason to be bothered by this one little silly issue, but the matter of fact, as much as I try and deny it, is that it should be a matter to be concerned with.

Ugh, having so much trouble trying to gather my thoughts with those loud female high-pitched voices by my ear...

By abandoning me (even if it was by accident, assuming that it was), my (only remaining) circle of friends showed me just how fragile I am in this social cycle. I mean, not much regard is given to me most of the time while I'm in class. In other words, after eight months of effort in fitting in, I've not succeeded in being someone worth caring about.

I told Guo Wei yesterday that it occurred to me that nobody ever talks about their social issues and problems in life. Part of me told him that because it is a fact - other than the girls at occasional times, the guys just talk about shallow stuff, as far as I know. The other part of me wrote that (through Windows Live Messenger) because... nobody gave a fuck about my life. But, I didn't mind that, and probably still don't. For me to be hurt by people not caring about me, I'll have to care about those people first. I don't care about my classmates (much), so, I guess that's why I'm not so pained by this, and it probably fits fair for them to treat me the same way.

I mean, I tried to care. I tried to fit in. But, it's getting so tiring. With the recent departure of my Secondary School buddy, Jordan Teo, hope is starting to diminish. However, I await here for a savior of my life, as that's the only thing I could do now.

I feel numb and empty on the inside. Almost every week, I had the thought of suicide, trying to bring this pointless living into reason. Yet, I have no balls. No only will it be a painful procedure, but the end result is not pretty either. I'm more than sinful, and suicide guarantees a straight trip to burning hell without trial, according to my mum. So, I'm left here, wandering through the oceans of agony for what feels like an eternity after another.

Still kinda miss Jordan at this point. As heartless as he seemed to be when he let me go instead of messaging me something on that fateful day a couple of weeks back, in this moment of desperation, I could only reach up towards the only person who allowed me to be myself, the only person who gave a shred of concern about my pitiful life. And, he was as much of a film buff as I was, if not acted like one for my sake. So, even if all these had been an act, even if all these was phony illusion, those memories were happy, and I miss them.

I miss the times Ng Yong Yao was with me, too. How he lectured me. At least he cared enough to lecture me. God, he was mature, and such a good friend. He was almost the perfect one compared to my Primary School mate, Caleb Chan and Jordan. He studied in Queensway Secondary with me, too, till about June at the first year I was held back in Sec 3, when he transferred to another school. Kinda wish that he remains my friend till this day right now. Pathetic, really, having to think about him only when I'm in peril.

Wee Tat is rushing me about my work. Heh. Kinda hate it how I have the need to blog immediately upon having the urge - or not blog at all. I mean, I couldn't try and remember what I want to blog right now, go home and post it later - I won't feel like blogging by then. The disadvantage to that is that my post will be publicly viewed as I type the post. Even though the final post could be viewed by the public, not everyone will make the troublesome attempt to read the post, as compared to someone passing by and catching sight of my writing. Luckily, these people, as I wrote, don't give a fuck.

Should I talk to Jordan again? Will he even talk to me at all after I just ditched him like that because he made one too many mistakes? I did tell him it wasn't out of hostility, but out of desperation - out of my natural instinct to lessen my pain. Why should I be the one who feels guilty in this picture when I'm the victim? Hm. Guess that's life's little twisted irony.

Calling him again will be painful, and it won't be a short pain. He won't answer my call as he never did nowadays, rendering me determined enough to continue calling. And then, finally, when he does answer the call, I will face an angry tirade of 'fuck yous' and 'I'm done with this friendship.' Chances of all these happening: 80%.

Guess now isn't the time for me to trouble myself with these social problems, what with my academical problems building up, too.

Just thought of something. Guo Wei said that my classmates only tell about their social issues to the people who they trust. I trust people. All I need is one person to ask... but, it won't help in the long process anyway, especially if he/she doesn't aid me throughout this course in my mentality.

I'm not doing very well in my academical area nowadays. I'm late for lessons or entirely miss them. I had little to no sleep. I feel like a suicidal attempt isn't necessary anymore to guarantee a death for me. I feel like each part of me is dying away, wilting.

I might never become a filmmaker in the future, achieving my dream, especially if I don't start working hard right now. Pity. I always wanted to make a film account of my life, had always thought my life is conflictual and twisted enough to make a movie about it. If this be a film, then this place, ITE, will be the second to last place of my final damnation, the aspect of the film where the 'resolution' is supposed to be before the ending/conclusion. The NS will be my place of death, probably. Not having a fine education background, I'll probably be pushed to perform physical work, and what with my overflowing flam and poor stamina, Death is practically standing by the borders of the army site.

Will anyone discover this story and make a movie out of it on my behalf? I doubt it. But, He moves in mysterious ways, as they (including Satan in "End of Days") said, so we never know. I'm gonna brood over whether if I should make a call to Jordan. I might just send him a message first, just in case he won't pick up. I know that he is my last hope of salvation - ironically, as I abandoned him to seek salvation.

*insert profane insult*

I'm still not ready to get out of this shell. It won't make a difference if I do anyway. My 'circle of friends' would be themselves, and there's no changing that, nor changing me. It's not their fault they are displaying indifference, nor do I blame them... For Jordan, it's a difference case - none of my current ITE classmates claimed to be my bestfriend; Jordan, however, did.

Making that kind of statement automatically sets a kind of commitment to me. I felt that it was a promise made - a very significant promise at that. I felt his warm compassion, and I assumed something - again. I had thought that it was all going to be better, that I finally have that other part of me, a partner, a teammate of my life, somebody to guide me through and help me when I'm in need. Boy, was I wrong.

Jordan is not nasty; he's just picky when it comes to giving his concern to people, or, rather, he only cares when it is not taking out his time or inconveniences him. I guess I have no right to be angry about that. Maybe my expectations of having him being the most perfect friend there is kinda clouded my judgment. Nevertheless, I too had been tolerant.

I did try not to be so self-centered when it comes to receiving his care and concern. Over the pass few weeks, I faced many tiring battles alone, not blaming him several times for not being there, for leaving me drenched in that single spot the rain is pouring over. Naturally, it felt terrible that I had no one to rely on. Thankfully, my classmates were not completely cold and uncomprehending of one of my situations, and reached out to... well, 'care,' I guess... Regardless of its minuteness, it was better than nothing, and it kept me from breaking down. But, right now, I'm not so sure if mental breakdown is a heartbeat away or not.

I'm trying to make sense of it all, but I need a helping hand. Otherwise, I feel that I'm just going to keep dropping into that pitch black hole of emo. It's only August, and I'm already having school-phobia. Each day, it's getting worse, and it feels more painful. I don't want to do this - I don't want to go to school. But, do I have a choice? Do I have a say in this voiceless country?

When push turns to shove, something's bound to happen. Who knows what will happen if I continue to force myself down this road of wretched disdain for school and for the people around me. I guess there is only one solution to this - to die.

In all things that are basic, I feel that my life is getting more pointless by the second. No one really cares about me, and that's the truth. Maybe one of my classmates might still be concerned over my well-being (despite not showing it), but it hurts too much for me to feel anything. I'm going nuts. Everyday, I try and numb myself with stupid shit. Nowadays, I do that by watching Heroes and Heroes: Unmasked and by playing countless hours of Halo - both activities on my shitty laptop. Did I have a great life back then? I believe so. Did I destroy that beautiful picture through my reckless actions? Maybe. Did I singlehandidly destroy that picture? A definite no.

Why do I act the way I do in school, some might ask. Well, for one, it feels good, being rebellious. Another thing revolves around human nature. We act how we feel. Other than those five words, I truthfully don't have any other answers.

I'm so tired - mentally - just wish it would all stop. I feel so afraid of the impending future. Am I going to live in this torturous state for as long as I live?

Right now, at this minute, I don't want to care anymore, but that doesn't mean I won't.

Facing Myself

It's time I stop kidding myself. I am who I am. As much as I hate to admit it, I am pessimistic and ireful towards the world. I don't social well - period - I had several episodes of abusive language and behavior, and I absolutely have no feelings for my class and my school, of which the latter is a, what I'd like to call, the hell hole I am and will be living in for the next year or so. Brilliant.

So many things happened since I last posted. Jordan and I are having friendship issues again, I made a plan of doing a "Pixar's 'Up' marathon (which, currently, has little point to me)," I lost my wallet with my I/C in it, I got in more arguments with the staff of ITE, I felt like killing myself on several occasions over the past few weeks, I was banned from Pixar Planet forums, I was in a heated argument with a 14 years old dork (which, for the most parts anyway, caused my suicidal thoughts), and, guess what - I'm still as lonely as I was four years ago.

First thing's first - Jordan Teo. Being friends with him for so long now, we had a discussion once about how long our friendship would last. He said "50 years." I smiled. However, up till this moment, it's only been three years, and look at where we are now.

God, I'm feeling so lazy right now, so, maybe I'll post another day. Maybe I won't.

Fuck you guys.

Tired Day

Drama Club didn't go very smoothly today.

We started out trying to balance a miniature soccer ball (with a thin sheet of plastic covering some kind of cottony material inside) in the air, making sure it don't falls on the ground. Naturally, it did; many times, too.

I was supposed to be meet my ITE friends over at Wild Wild Wet today. But, once again, my poor memory (or rather, poor sense of focus) got to me, and I had only remembered about the trip when the returning train had reached Queenstown.

There was no way I was going to head all the way back there.

It seems like Jordan's busy with stuff at home, too - according to him, anyway. Guess I will have to ask him about that job at 'Wall's' another time, preferably tomorrow, if that staff does pick up this time.

I was, again, kinda disappointed, of course. I actually got hold of some pretty hilarious jokes over at TalkingCock.com, and some more from Muttons To/At Midnight. But what the heck - his loss, I guess.

Back to the Drama Club.

After that little ball-bouncing activity lasting about fifteen to twenty minutes (I even scrapped my ring finger throughout it), we were asked to bring a chair over, sit down, close our eyes, and relax every muscles in our body as he whisper softly, getting us to get in touch with our emotions while reacting to them (while, still keeping our every muscles relaxed). A very yoga-like activity. Quite boring. Nothing to do with script-writing 101.

Yes, I had only signed up for the Club in hopes of learning something about becoming a great director - not do this yoga sh*t that actors need to learn.

Guess I could use these lessons to properly handle my actors in the future. But still, it's quite boring. Heck, even more boring than Lulu's drawing lesson at times - and that's scary.

Sigh. Now I've got nothing to do at home. My XBox 360 is probably still broken. I don't own a PSP or any cool PC games worth playing again.

Well, maybe I could go check out The Sims 2 again... I was actually hoping I get some writing done today.

Yes, I have returned to Writer's Land once again. This time, it's about a project I had already been thinking about for quite a while - a Digimon Adventure live action film. But first, I need to get in-root with the characters first, especially with their personalities as I need to know what actions they would take and what they would not. Thus, I had decided that I would write short stories portraying the persona of each 'Chosen Children' first. The other reason I need to do this is to ensure I stay with the writing this time. For too long have I worked on uncompleted works that ended up with merely some two to three chapters. This will be a practice for me, and since they will only be short stories, they should not burn me out that quickly... I hope.

Well, I am going to check out my Sims 2 discs now. Hopefully, they are still intact. Or else, don't expect me to write another entry either. I would probably be too 'sian' to write in again by that time.

Till next time,
Long Live Good Movies

Also, from now on, I will recommend at least one good movie in each post.

Today, we have

This is a very little known movie in Singapore, especially among the 'tweenies' nowadays in colleges and/or educational facilities (schools) of lower levels. If you had actually sat through AVP/AVP-R without quenching even a bit, this movie should suit you finely.

What A Surprise

Well, what a surprise - J ain't going to the SAF vs Woodlands match occurring later on at the Chua Chu Kang stadium. Not that I actually like watching soccer that much myself, just that I thought it would be another good, quality time-spending moment for us again. But, ah, well, what the heck.

Fuck him.

The Faggotry...

Ugh, just finished arguing with this jerk about the intelligence of Pixar movies. Why is it so hard for people to appreciate Pixar films are art-forms? It's already sad that the all-so-mature adults could not stray from cynicism for a moment to see the truth, now even the teenagers, too?

It's not cartoon, folks; it's animation, and even that is not considered as a genre. As the great director of The Incredibles, Brad Bird, once said, "(Animation) can be horror, sci-fi, romance; any genre."

Ugh, now I'm a little obsessed in waiting for his reply, so that I could really bash him up for good.

I know, I know, I'm supposed to be subduing my temper problem. I'm supposed to be doing a lot of things. Going to church, saving up cash the proper way, eat healthy, revising for my future exams, but I've done none of them - save the second one which I did quite a poor job at.

Sigh. It's still so tough nowadays to be working hard with all these emotional traumas I've been getting. I've had a little conflictual moment with Gabriel (not sure if I've spelled his name right) yesterday. I've never really liked him, but most of the time, that's because of his relationship with Jordan.

I've gotta admit, I'm still quite jealous. Not because he hangs out with Jordan more than I do with J (J actually spends more time with me), but because whenever J does hang out with Gab, he always took me for granted, like I just don't exist at all, unless when Gab does notice me (which is ironic, for Gab to be the one outta the two to notice me first, always).

In fact, just like yesterday. When I've met up with him at the bus-stop closest to Gab's house, J simply nudged his head in reply to my 'head-nudge greeting,' and after that, it's all silent. He didn't bother to talk to me - at all - which is cool and all, but he didn't even bother to reply me after I asked him if Gab have return his call (J kept trying to reach somebody on his phone on our way to Gab's house).

It's always the same, that's why it kinda left a shadow in my life. Whenever 'that name' was mentioned, I feel as if my heart had dropped. I thought, 'Yep. It's over. Better not get me to meet Gab, too, 'coz I know I would be the 'appendage' of the meeting... again.'

And I have no choice, either. My parents ain't much of a family to me. My mum couldn't understand me more than half of the time (and thus, gets on my nerves). My dad's just a fucktard who continuously questions my every action (mostly when it's regarding his money) ever since I've stolen those ten thousand bucks from his and my mum's account (it's five thousand per account, BTW), which is about, like, three to even five years ago for all I could remember.

Okay, maybe shorter than that.

And since my folks can't be the caring duo, all I've got to yearn for is my friends, of whom half of them suck as friends. My new ITE friends couldn't give a damn if I'm dead or alive. Pretty much the same as my old Secondary School friends, but more bo chap than ever.

And Jordan, my 'supposed' bestfriend. I still couldn't remember a single moment when he saved my ass before, or at the least, helped me out on any issues. I must've at least helped him more than five times back in Secondary School. Nowadays, I just feel indifferent towards helping him, but more than often, my heart softens.

Sigh. If only I'm a cruel bastard.

Heck, I've even bought him a birthday present - once. Did he get me anything on any of my birthdays at all?

Yeah. Yesterday. Midnight. He gave me three words. "Happy birthday, bro," before getting me to go through that meeting with Gab later in the afternoon, which has not much celebration for me, but what the heck.

I guess I could had not gone to Gab's house and stay all lonely and emo at home instead, for my birthday.

Heck, even my parents forgot about my birthday. They didn't even mutter once about anything regarding my birthday. Fuck them.

Save Now

My life is fucked up. I should rename this blog as "Fucked Up Falls."

Fuck this.

Troubled Days

Why I am here... I do not know. I don't like blogging any longer, as you could tell from the length of time between this post and the previous one. I kinda found it to be pointless. I mean, who'a gonna read the blog entries of an emo anyway? Definitely not Jordan Teo Yung Kang, that hypocritical bastard of a friend. I feel like shoving a stick pole up his 'sai kang (anal hole).' That would have at least been a more meaningful activity. I mean, just look at this f***-state of a blog, I barely update it till at least nine months later when another victim is released into this torture chamber we all called 'life.'

F*** this, man.

Sigh. But what am I to do? Jordan's too busy to hear about my troubles, and even if he does squeeze out that one hour to spend time with me, why would he care? He barely cared when I almost got myself into trouble with my temper issue again. I was so pathetic. The only people I had to speak to were my Secondary School counsellors, Mr Ang and Mrs Teo. F*C*! How pathetic was that?! I don't even have friends to talk to in my troubled hours. This is f***ing pathetic.

Also, this stupid of a f***-sake course I'm taking in the ITE (Institute of Technical Education), Tampines Campus, has seemingly abso-f***ing-lutely nothing to do with filmmaking. Maybe the concept of design does apply to the career in one way or another, but what the f*** does drawing have to do with filmmaking? Making films is about philosophy, not about your artistic talent! FFS! CHI BAI KIAN. I hate this bullsh*t man! This is f***ing ridiculous!

Jordan had asked me to call him only after an hour later, when he has finished talking to his f***king friend (whom he had talked to for hours and hours for all I know), so I'm gonna stop here.

FFS, man; some friend.