I've been living in a fantasy. I had thought that I was going to have a great life ahead of this year. But no, one disaster after another started pouring in... and it's only January.

Yeah, I know, I have myself to blame... partially, too. But did anyone else that have hurt me stopped to consider that question, too? About how they played their parts in conjuring this one heap of chaos? Did they ever stop to talk and try and resolve the problem, of which they had contributed themselves, too? My parents, my friends... all very unwilling to save me as I sink deeper into the tar pit. Soon, I'll drown and die, and what's left of me would be just a numb mind ignoring the suffering without any care, without any feelings.

My Dad thinks I'm very lucky. He thinks that just because they don't beat me, they don't give me shit everyday like other parents, I should put on a smile everyday and be oh so happy and appreciative of my life. What the fuck do they know?

I've been living behind a mask of lies. I kidded myself into thinking just what my Dad had wanted me to think, that I'm happy, that I had everything I needed. Life was so simple and clear back then. Watch some movies, do my best in school, read some Spider-Man comics. There was no other purpose. I just did what I did in life just for the sake of doing it. I had a dream, yes, and that dream had required me to do well in school. But now... it seems so hard, so hard. I wanted to concerntrate in school just now, but the very prescence of those buggers annoyed me to no end. And my dream, heh, it's a silly dream after all. No one cares. It's impractical. Why do I have this dream of becoming a filmmaker in the first place anyway?

I don't know. I'm very confused right now. I don't know what to do. If only Din, Savio and those guys would accept me into their gang. At least I would have a little purpose left to live on and not jump off a building or some silly shit like that. As of right now, my parents hate me, I have no close friend in my life (not just school), I can't watch any movies at the cinema anymore because my funding's been cut, and I can't watch any movies on my computer anymore, either, because it's broken down (and I won't get my Mac White till next month).

There's only one chance for me to get some purpose out of my life. There's only one way for me to feel useful again. I need that CDC Scholarship. It's the only way I could get my fundings back again and get my life affiliated with movies once more. It's the only thing I could live for as of now. Pathetic, probably, but right now, it's survival for me. I'm just a line away from a mental breakdown.

And, I'll need God's help more than ever. Looks like I'm attending church this Sunday, for the first time in more than a decade. Will I finally set foot on the holy grounds once more? Or will I cower away again as I've always did whenever I made such a proposition (to return to church)? I know it isn't fair to God that I'm only returning to Him when I desperately need Him, but I know of no other actions I can take. Maybe... He's the one who had pushed me to Him.