Ego Maniac

Alright, alright, call me a whiner, a complain king, unappreciative, emo, or whatever. The reason people hate emos is because they are jerks who blame everyone for their problems. I don't. I'm just saying. Reality check here. I'm just laying out the facts. I do have 5 contacts on my MSN, and I probably do have the least contacts on Facebook in the entire class. Both are equally factual, with the latter being a very high possibility, so you couldn't call me out on the paranoid factor.

I have a good life with good pals - I know. I know I shouldn't complain so much, but something today got me thinking about the differences I have. I know, I shouldn't compare. Comparing brings rage, right? I just wish there's something more in my life to live for, at least to remind me, for now, that I have a normal life. I hate being different. It feels lonley.

Sure, I have a bunch of monkey friends who I could hang out with everytime. lol I appreciate their friendship, but, sometimes, when I get settled down with them, I still find it awkward to join in their conversations. It's like I'm an extra piece of the puzzle. Shao Xiang, Samuel, and Chester are pretty much one team together. As for Jasper, he's got Guo Wei. I'm not jealous of anyone. I just...

I just wish Caleb, my Primary School bestfriend, wasn't as self-centered as I was back then, that Jordan, my Secondary School mate, would had stuck with me just a little longer for our friendship to grow, that Jason, my childhood playmate, would had been a little more sensitive (but that one's kinda my fault, since, he's like 2 years younger than I was), that Yong Yao, another Secondary School pal of mine, didn't gain the condition which affects his mind and speech today. All of them left my life, through one way or another. Most of the times, it was because of my own ego. Heh.

Only now do I try and correct things. Well, it seems to be a little too late. And you know, I haven't been doing a very good job 'correcting' things, either. I still have a pretty nasty temper and ego. Mid-life crisis? Try teenage life crisis. Perhaps I would meet other friends when I head out to work, but there would always be this shadow following me - sins of my past. Haunting me. Never leaving my side. You don't need a Police Record for that.

I just wish... for the chance to live like a teenager. To live my life happily, not having the need to tell people that I don't have any plans throughout the entire holiday because my friends - my only friends - are too busy hanging out with their much closer friends. Their bestfriends. Heh. The only thing I'm missing are pet kittens.

Maybe all I could do now is just ignore the bad things in my life and just live on, hoping, by some miraculous chance, I would be able to have a normal friendship like everybody else. A normal life, like everynody else. Lonley, my Facebook contact, was wrong. Being normal isn't boring. It's relaxing. You get to skim through every day, fitting in, without worrying about not being able to catch up with the rest of society.

I'm just a kid. I don't want to think about whether if other people are less fortunate than me, and how they are still able to remain happy, remain to have friends. True friends. They probably got people caring'bout them 'coz they got into some accident and turn famous overnight or something. I know, it's a selfish thought. How could I become so selfish, right? Well, to some of you, I was always selfish since you knew me in Primary School anyway. Heh. Whatever.

I'll just have to keep moving on, keep fighting this neverending war.

She's so... perfect. Maybe not entirely perfect, but, how could a guy like me stand a chance with a girl like her? Cute, talented, charming (even if she doesn't knows it). Not to mention modest. Or insecure, but still. At first look, she seems to have nothing to be insecure about. Heck, maybe I'm entirely wrong. Maybe she's not insecure at all. What's she got to be insecure about? She's brilliant. Her grades are great. Her work could almost match Iyaad's. Terrific.

Yeah, I'm probably risking her knowing my secret crush on her by posting Iyaad's name. But, I simply don't care anymore. A repetition of '08's V-Day disaster? Maybe. But, at least I know I won't be buying any roses this year.