Absence of Love

Something annoying happened yesterday. Well, more serious than annoying, but give me a break, I am not that good at post openings.

Last night, while I was enjoying myself away in front of my Dad's HP computer, a disturbance got my attention. All of a sudden, I heard my Dad saying another of his bad remarks about me - shi Ah Boon, this time ('shi' means, literally, 'death', and 'Ah Boon'... well, that's my nickname round the house - don't call me that at school if you know what's good for you). Thus, a fuse was sparked, and began the path to explosion.

Seconds later, I found my Dad charging into my room (my parents never knock on the door before entering, unlike a good, responsible, caring parents of Western society would) and calling me out to give my neighbor (whom my Dad had asked to repair my old Acer laptop) the password to the broken computer (which I had done so through writting the password on a piece of paper; God bless him if he couldn't even read a password 'coz he definitely wouldn't be able to repair anything at all). I got a bit annoyed because he had not been able to read the password I wrote clearly on a blank sheet of foolscap, and thus, the fuse continued flowing through the path of destruction.

Right after I opened my front door, I found that my front gate was locked. I closed the door (well, close to slamming, actually), my Dad gave me a look, I turned around and (beginning to raise my voice) told him that I was gonna grab the key to the gate and headed for my room (and finding out that my Dad had grabbed his own key after I came out of the room with mine).

My neighbor came out shortly after my Dad went and call for him in his apartment and told me that I needed a backup CD-ROM to make the repair. Being a guy that lost even his own IC once, the CD was, naturally, gone from my possession. So, I told him no, that I didn't have the backup CD. My Dad probably assumed that I lost it myself, which I might have, but... well, as you could see, my Dad's one that's always ready to jump into the worse conclusion. I wasn't looking very happy by then, and my neighbor, whom I usually smiled to whenever he greeted me (nice guy he was), could probably tell.

So, I headed back into the house, sorta slamming the door as I entered (sorta) and headed back to my room. Shortly after, one don't need to be Sherlock to figure out what happened next. My father came charging through (again) and asked for me to exchange back his laptop with my broken one.

Now, before I go on, there are a few factors I must lay out:

1. My old broken laptop could not allow me to install Adobe softwares for some damn technical reasons, while my father's one could. I would tell him that I needed the laptop for educational purposes, but he would either say that he don't care, or he would not had believed me. Either way, that was a damage to my current year in ITE, which I had hoped to do well, since it involves my interested subject.

2. Having a proper working laptop meant so much for me. It made me feel... normal, like everyone else in the class (well, maybe except Guo Wei, but I don't know if his computer's condition is as bad as mine, not having any sound support at all). It meant the end to my movie and anime viewing, both of which are very important activities in my life, to me.

So, what happened next? I got frustrated and raised my voice for good. The fuse reached its end. The bomb exploded. "Boom ka-boosh!" as Samuel would jokingly say if he is to care enough and read this post. I remarked that transferring the files from his computer back to mine would be a really tedious task. Naturally, he didn't care. And then, I don't remember much of what I did/said/replied, but I did remember that he lashed out a light push at me (not to mention flipping round some of my stuff on my desk). The feelings I gained afterward were panic, fear, and mostly anger.

Hence, I stood up and shouted that he dared to hit me. Well, only more than 15 minutes later did I realize that he didn't really hit me, hard. By then, the cops had arrived, of whom their calling my Dad had encouraged as I was dialing the numbers. I probably wouldn't stop even if my Dad didn't say anything, but, I would had probably figured out the consequence of my actions sooner rather than being pushed to such rashness.

When I was calm enough to realize what I had done, I did try calling off the cops by dialing the emergency hotline again (since I don't know the number to their non-emergency one). By then, it was too late. The cops came knocking on my door a minute after, contrary to what I had hoped for within those 60 seconds.

They came and record my statement (and my Dad's), gave me (and my Dad) some 'school counselor' advices before taking their leave. Naturally, my Dad had a lot more to say afterward. He kept on asking my Mum not to talk to me, to ignore me, like he wants to cut off all relationships I have with him, not that I care. I was just worried that it might mean my fundings (lunch money) might be affected. And, obviously, as I feared, he did make my financial life that much harder. I now have to pay for my own shit using those ten dollars on weekdays (he probably won't give me zitch on weekends anymore). EZ-Link card top-ups, haircuts, etc.

I opened up to my Mum yesterday (not because I still love her or some shit) because I wanted her to relay a message to my Dad (something I would regret 10 minutes ago), that I didn't call the cops on him because I wanted to scare him (as he had assumed) or some bullshit like that. I did call the Police because of the same reason (the obvious reason) the cops had assumed, that I was scared, that I was shaken up. When I slept last night, I had a little thought going on that my Dad would murder me at night, and I was thinking about how I was to endure Hell when I die (since I'm no Moses or Abraham). I guess I am quite thankful that I was able to go to school again in the morning, even though I assumed that I would be late for school, again.

School wasn't much fun either today. No one bothered to ask me about the incident last night. No one cared. No one gave a shit. Well, except my old Secondary School form teacher, Ms Ong, just few minutes ago through a PM on Facebook. Heh. I replied her with, "I just wish that my classmates (my parents, included, as sad as that is) are as mature as you are."

Ah well. Kids. Guess the proper choice of word should had been 'caring' rather than 'mature', but whatever.

Anyway, about my regret about me confiding in my Mum. My Mum is a... very confusing mother. I mean, I don't get what her deal is (except that she's kinda nuts, maybe... as much as I hate to write that). One minute, she would be nice, and the next, she would hurt me so much with her words. I feel no love from either of my parents (obvious fact in regards to my Dad). And, I feel no love for the world, either, 'coz to them, I'm just another guy. Friends? What friends? Acquaintances who talk to me from time to time, maybe. The bunch of guys I hang out with? Just some people I walk around with to pretend that I have a social life. Even Chester's been more distanced from me nowadays.

I'm glad that both Iyaad and Fared got closer to me nowadays, though. It was the gift from my actions on Facebook, when I went and conversed with them a little bit throughout the holiday. And, I'm glad I did. Iyaad's a really caring guy. Fared, too, but, not as much as Iyaad. :P lol

My new teacher for my new module in college, Mr. Kean (whom I'm not really 'keen' to meet lol), got us to do some silly flipbook animation today, which turned out to be funnier than I had expected. I did some guy who got struck by lightning, while the thunder cloud went off laughing. As for Roy Disney (I meant, MISTER Roy, Disney), he talked to us about a DJ assignment that we would be doing in the future. Tyler's not that 'Kean,' either. He claimed that it is annoying. Heh. Well, I tried and do that last month, for an event I tried to hold during Christmas (which I ultimately didn't due to my supreme laziness, and a lack of time due to all the Avatar viewings I had), so, it might be fun for me to actually do this. I would had gone up just now when the class called my name (boy, I felt good), but, I wanted Samuel to go along... which he didn't because he was too shy, something which I pretended to be as well. I don't know. I never really have much confidence myself in my life, and I ended up missing a number of opportunities that way, by being shy (though I wasn't that shy back in that lesson, I had gotten quite used to my class, let alone talking in front of them).

Kinda wished that Mr. Roy had highlighted my filmmaking interest just now, but, he missed me. Well, at least Chun An Wee Joshua didn't. He's been teasing me about that since yesterday. Ugh, yesterday at class. He didn't get to read finish my other hopes before I die. The second hope, being a world-renowned filmmaker, is something I would rather people remember me for, rather than 'liking Digimon'. Even though what I wrote was to adapt the Digimon anime into a live action movie, people are cynical, and tend to twist the facts, like Joshua seemingly did yesterday when he continuously shouted "DIGIMON! DIGIMON!" to me. I hate that guy. What a shallow prick. Seems that many across the globe, anime lovers included, have little appreciation for Digimon, oftenly mistaking it for ripping off Pokemon, even... which is the reason I hated the latter series for so long. Still, I appreciate the innocence of Pokemon, as with the innocence of many 'kiddie' shows - Disney films, in particular. It is that innocence that kept me sane and optimistic. Sure, it might had gotten me to be a little impractical at times, but hey, at least it's better than me turning completely emo.

Heh. But then again, what would be the point of this blog if I'm not partially that? :P

Boy, I miss watching Digimon. Haven't rewatched it for a few months, and I regret that. Now I have to watch it in school because there's no sound on my computer. Ah well. I'll squeeze some time to watch them. And maybe the new, upcoming episodes of Detective Conan, too. Hope my life could turn normal someday. I tried looking for a job at the Long John Silvers below my block just now... and I didn't get any positions. The computer gave a 'Red mark' after scanning my survey. Heh. Ah well. I hope I could find a job somewhere else. I have to, now, considering my Dad's cut-off. I have to get that Mac Book. I need to prove to myself that my life is not filled with bad luck, that the impossible goals in my life are possible to be achieved - if I just put enough effort into it. Because, if they aren't, how would I ever be able to convince Hollywood to let me make the dream of making it (H-wood) realize that creativeness is profitable (rather than just CGI diarrhea) come true?

Haven't written a post this long since Secondary School, Sec 3, year 3 (the 2nd year I was retained for the level). Most of you probably wouldn't read past paragraph 2, but for those who did, thanks for caring. If you could, leave a comment or two, so that I would know that at least there are more people around me that cares, and maybe I just don't know, or perhaps they've been too busy.

I'm gonna go read the Amazing Spider-Man comic book scans that I downloaded from the net now (after I take a small dump). Hopefully, tomorrow, I'll be able to finish my assignment for good. I really want to do good this year. I really do. I hope Mr. Roy realizes that, and, hopefully, Ms Wendy, too... if she cares.