Insanity

Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's my problem. I don't know anymore. So many thoughts. What am I supposed to do?

I am probably going to sound very insane and very emo in my following post, but, I don't care. I just don't understand anything. I'm... lost.

I asked myself just now in class, if it was just my own selfish thoughts, or if Chester and the others were really treating me differently than the others. It's like, I was just another classmate. I know Samuel and I had a recent argument, but Chester? Of all the people, I thought he'd be better. Instead, he's just... influenced, by Samuel. It's like he's a different person when he talks to Samuel.

Not that he's not supposed to be happy and should be filled with sadness every second of his life like a certain little emo freak writing this post... but, I just feel that even he was distancing me. I don't know. I just feel so... different.

I shouldn't think about them, it makes me sink into a deep depression. They don't give a damn about me anyway. Why the heck should I feel bad for them? I'm probably just going insane with all these stress (stress that I put myself under), like Tyler. I'll just... let nature take its course and let the insanity flow onto me. It won't be long.

I've been living in a fantasy. I had thought that I was going to have a great life ahead of this year. But no, one disaster after another started pouring in... and it's only January.

Yeah, I know, I have myself to blame... partially, too. But did anyone else that have hurt me stopped to consider that question, too? About how they played their parts in conjuring this one heap of chaos? Did they ever stop to talk and try and resolve the problem, of which they had contributed themselves, too? My parents, my friends... all very unwilling to save me as I sink deeper into the tar pit. Soon, I'll drown and die, and what's left of me would be just a numb mind ignoring the suffering without any care, without any feelings.

My Dad thinks I'm very lucky. He thinks that just because they don't beat me, they don't give me shit everyday like other parents, I should put on a smile everyday and be oh so happy and appreciative of my life. What the fuck do they know?

I've been living behind a mask of lies. I kidded myself into thinking just what my Dad had wanted me to think, that I'm happy, that I had everything I needed. Life was so simple and clear back then. Watch some movies, do my best in school, read some Spider-Man comics. There was no other purpose. I just did what I did in life just for the sake of doing it. I had a dream, yes, and that dream had required me to do well in school. But now... it seems so hard, so hard. I wanted to concerntrate in school just now, but the very prescence of those buggers annoyed me to no end. And my dream, heh, it's a silly dream after all. No one cares. It's impractical. Why do I have this dream of becoming a filmmaker in the first place anyway?

I don't know. I'm very confused right now. I don't know what to do. If only Din, Savio and those guys would accept me into their gang. At least I would have a little purpose left to live on and not jump off a building or some silly shit like that. As of right now, my parents hate me, I have no close friend in my life (not just school), I can't watch any movies at the cinema anymore because my funding's been cut, and I can't watch any movies on my computer anymore, either, because it's broken down (and I won't get my Mac White till next month).

There's only one chance for me to get some purpose out of my life. There's only one way for me to feel useful again. I need that CDC Scholarship. It's the only way I could get my fundings back again and get my life affiliated with movies once more. It's the only thing I could live for as of now. Pathetic, probably, but right now, it's survival for me. I'm just a line away from a mental breakdown.

And, I'll need God's help more than ever. Looks like I'm attending church this Sunday, for the first time in more than a decade. Will I finally set foot on the holy grounds once more? Or will I cower away again as I've always did whenever I made such a proposition (to return to church)? I know it isn't fair to God that I'm only returning to Him when I desperately need Him, but I know of no other actions I can take. Maybe... He's the one who had pushed me to Him.

Ego Maniac

Alright, alright, call me a whiner, a complain king, unappreciative, emo, or whatever. The reason people hate emos is because they are jerks who blame everyone for their problems. I don't. I'm just saying. Reality check here. I'm just laying out the facts. I do have 5 contacts on my MSN, and I probably do have the least contacts on Facebook in the entire class. Both are equally factual, with the latter being a very high possibility, so you couldn't call me out on the paranoid factor.

I have a good life with good pals - I know. I know I shouldn't complain so much, but something today got me thinking about the differences I have. I know, I shouldn't compare. Comparing brings rage, right? I just wish there's something more in my life to live for, at least to remind me, for now, that I have a normal life. I hate being different. It feels lonley.

Sure, I have a bunch of monkey friends who I could hang out with everytime. lol I appreciate their friendship, but, sometimes, when I get settled down with them, I still find it awkward to join in their conversations. It's like I'm an extra piece of the puzzle. Shao Xiang, Samuel, and Chester are pretty much one team together. As for Jasper, he's got Guo Wei. I'm not jealous of anyone. I just...

I just wish Caleb, my Primary School bestfriend, wasn't as self-centered as I was back then, that Jordan, my Secondary School mate, would had stuck with me just a little longer for our friendship to grow, that Jason, my childhood playmate, would had been a little more sensitive (but that one's kinda my fault, since, he's like 2 years younger than I was), that Yong Yao, another Secondary School pal of mine, didn't gain the condition which affects his mind and speech today. All of them left my life, through one way or another. Most of the times, it was because of my own ego. Heh.

Only now do I try and correct things. Well, it seems to be a little too late. And you know, I haven't been doing a very good job 'correcting' things, either. I still have a pretty nasty temper and ego. Mid-life crisis? Try teenage life crisis. Perhaps I would meet other friends when I head out to work, but there would always be this shadow following me - sins of my past. Haunting me. Never leaving my side. You don't need a Police Record for that.

I just wish... for the chance to live like a teenager. To live my life happily, not having the need to tell people that I don't have any plans throughout the entire holiday because my friends - my only friends - are too busy hanging out with their much closer friends. Their bestfriends. Heh. The only thing I'm missing are pet kittens.

Maybe all I could do now is just ignore the bad things in my life and just live on, hoping, by some miraculous chance, I would be able to have a normal friendship like everybody else. A normal life, like everynody else. Lonley, my Facebook contact, was wrong. Being normal isn't boring. It's relaxing. You get to skim through every day, fitting in, without worrying about not being able to catch up with the rest of society.

I'm just a kid. I don't want to think about whether if other people are less fortunate than me, and how they are still able to remain happy, remain to have friends. True friends. They probably got people caring'bout them 'coz they got into some accident and turn famous overnight or something. I know, it's a selfish thought. How could I become so selfish, right? Well, to some of you, I was always selfish since you knew me in Primary School anyway. Heh. Whatever.

I'll just have to keep moving on, keep fighting this neverending war.

She's so... perfect. Maybe not entirely perfect, but, how could a guy like me stand a chance with a girl like her? Cute, talented, charming (even if she doesn't knows it). Not to mention modest. Or insecure, but still. At first look, she seems to have nothing to be insecure about. Heck, maybe I'm entirely wrong. Maybe she's not insecure at all. What's she got to be insecure about? She's brilliant. Her grades are great. Her work could almost match Iyaad's. Terrific.

Yeah, I'm probably risking her knowing my secret crush on her by posting Iyaad's name. But, I simply don't care anymore. A repetition of '08's V-Day disaster? Maybe. But, at least I know I won't be buying any roses this year.

Absence of Love

Something annoying happened yesterday. Well, more serious than annoying, but give me a break, I am not that good at post openings.

Last night, while I was enjoying myself away in front of my Dad's HP computer, a disturbance got my attention. All of a sudden, I heard my Dad saying another of his bad remarks about me - shi Ah Boon, this time ('shi' means, literally, 'death', and 'Ah Boon'... well, that's my nickname round the house - don't call me that at school if you know what's good for you). Thus, a fuse was sparked, and began the path to explosion.

Seconds later, I found my Dad charging into my room (my parents never knock on the door before entering, unlike a good, responsible, caring parents of Western society would) and calling me out to give my neighbor (whom my Dad had asked to repair my old Acer laptop) the password to the broken computer (which I had done so through writting the password on a piece of paper; God bless him if he couldn't even read a password 'coz he definitely wouldn't be able to repair anything at all). I got a bit annoyed because he had not been able to read the password I wrote clearly on a blank sheet of foolscap, and thus, the fuse continued flowing through the path of destruction.

Right after I opened my front door, I found that my front gate was locked. I closed the door (well, close to slamming, actually), my Dad gave me a look, I turned around and (beginning to raise my voice) told him that I was gonna grab the key to the gate and headed for my room (and finding out that my Dad had grabbed his own key after I came out of the room with mine).

My neighbor came out shortly after my Dad went and call for him in his apartment and told me that I needed a backup CD-ROM to make the repair. Being a guy that lost even his own IC once, the CD was, naturally, gone from my possession. So, I told him no, that I didn't have the backup CD. My Dad probably assumed that I lost it myself, which I might have, but... well, as you could see, my Dad's one that's always ready to jump into the worse conclusion. I wasn't looking very happy by then, and my neighbor, whom I usually smiled to whenever he greeted me (nice guy he was), could probably tell.

So, I headed back into the house, sorta slamming the door as I entered (sorta) and headed back to my room. Shortly after, one don't need to be Sherlock to figure out what happened next. My father came charging through (again) and asked for me to exchange back his laptop with my broken one.

Now, before I go on, there are a few factors I must lay out:

1. My old broken laptop could not allow me to install Adobe softwares for some damn technical reasons, while my father's one could. I would tell him that I needed the laptop for educational purposes, but he would either say that he don't care, or he would not had believed me. Either way, that was a damage to my current year in ITE, which I had hoped to do well, since it involves my interested subject.

2. Having a proper working laptop meant so much for me. It made me feel... normal, like everyone else in the class (well, maybe except Guo Wei, but I don't know if his computer's condition is as bad as mine, not having any sound support at all). It meant the end to my movie and anime viewing, both of which are very important activities in my life, to me.

So, what happened next? I got frustrated and raised my voice for good. The fuse reached its end. The bomb exploded. "Boom ka-boosh!" as Samuel would jokingly say if he is to care enough and read this post. I remarked that transferring the files from his computer back to mine would be a really tedious task. Naturally, he didn't care. And then, I don't remember much of what I did/said/replied, but I did remember that he lashed out a light push at me (not to mention flipping round some of my stuff on my desk). The feelings I gained afterward were panic, fear, and mostly anger.

Hence, I stood up and shouted that he dared to hit me. Well, only more than 15 minutes later did I realize that he didn't really hit me, hard. By then, the cops had arrived, of whom their calling my Dad had encouraged as I was dialing the numbers. I probably wouldn't stop even if my Dad didn't say anything, but, I would had probably figured out the consequence of my actions sooner rather than being pushed to such rashness.

When I was calm enough to realize what I had done, I did try calling off the cops by dialing the emergency hotline again (since I don't know the number to their non-emergency one). By then, it was too late. The cops came knocking on my door a minute after, contrary to what I had hoped for within those 60 seconds.

They came and record my statement (and my Dad's), gave me (and my Dad) some 'school counselor' advices before taking their leave. Naturally, my Dad had a lot more to say afterward. He kept on asking my Mum not to talk to me, to ignore me, like he wants to cut off all relationships I have with him, not that I care. I was just worried that it might mean my fundings (lunch money) might be affected. And, obviously, as I feared, he did make my financial life that much harder. I now have to pay for my own shit using those ten dollars on weekdays (he probably won't give me zitch on weekends anymore). EZ-Link card top-ups, haircuts, etc.

I opened up to my Mum yesterday (not because I still love her or some shit) because I wanted her to relay a message to my Dad (something I would regret 10 minutes ago), that I didn't call the cops on him because I wanted to scare him (as he had assumed) or some bullshit like that. I did call the Police because of the same reason (the obvious reason) the cops had assumed, that I was scared, that I was shaken up. When I slept last night, I had a little thought going on that my Dad would murder me at night, and I was thinking about how I was to endure Hell when I die (since I'm no Moses or Abraham). I guess I am quite thankful that I was able to go to school again in the morning, even though I assumed that I would be late for school, again.

School wasn't much fun either today. No one bothered to ask me about the incident last night. No one cared. No one gave a shit. Well, except my old Secondary School form teacher, Ms Ong, just few minutes ago through a PM on Facebook. Heh. I replied her with, "I just wish that my classmates (my parents, included, as sad as that is) are as mature as you are."

Ah well. Kids. Guess the proper choice of word should had been 'caring' rather than 'mature', but whatever.

Anyway, about my regret about me confiding in my Mum. My Mum is a... very confusing mother. I mean, I don't get what her deal is (except that she's kinda nuts, maybe... as much as I hate to write that). One minute, she would be nice, and the next, she would hurt me so much with her words. I feel no love from either of my parents (obvious fact in regards to my Dad). And, I feel no love for the world, either, 'coz to them, I'm just another guy. Friends? What friends? Acquaintances who talk to me from time to time, maybe. The bunch of guys I hang out with? Just some people I walk around with to pretend that I have a social life. Even Chester's been more distanced from me nowadays.

I'm glad that both Iyaad and Fared got closer to me nowadays, though. It was the gift from my actions on Facebook, when I went and conversed with them a little bit throughout the holiday. And, I'm glad I did. Iyaad's a really caring guy. Fared, too, but, not as much as Iyaad. :P lol

My new teacher for my new module in college, Mr. Kean (whom I'm not really 'keen' to meet lol), got us to do some silly flipbook animation today, which turned out to be funnier than I had expected. I did some guy who got struck by lightning, while the thunder cloud went off laughing. As for Roy Disney (I meant, MISTER Roy, Disney), he talked to us about a DJ assignment that we would be doing in the future. Tyler's not that 'Kean,' either. He claimed that it is annoying. Heh. Well, I tried and do that last month, for an event I tried to hold during Christmas (which I ultimately didn't due to my supreme laziness, and a lack of time due to all the Avatar viewings I had), so, it might be fun for me to actually do this. I would had gone up just now when the class called my name (boy, I felt good), but, I wanted Samuel to go along... which he didn't because he was too shy, something which I pretended to be as well. I don't know. I never really have much confidence myself in my life, and I ended up missing a number of opportunities that way, by being shy (though I wasn't that shy back in that lesson, I had gotten quite used to my class, let alone talking in front of them).

Kinda wished that Mr. Roy had highlighted my filmmaking interest just now, but, he missed me. Well, at least Chun An Wee Joshua didn't. He's been teasing me about that since yesterday. Ugh, yesterday at class. He didn't get to read finish my other hopes before I die. The second hope, being a world-renowned filmmaker, is something I would rather people remember me for, rather than 'liking Digimon'. Even though what I wrote was to adapt the Digimon anime into a live action movie, people are cynical, and tend to twist the facts, like Joshua seemingly did yesterday when he continuously shouted "DIGIMON! DIGIMON!" to me. I hate that guy. What a shallow prick. Seems that many across the globe, anime lovers included, have little appreciation for Digimon, oftenly mistaking it for ripping off Pokemon, even... which is the reason I hated the latter series for so long. Still, I appreciate the innocence of Pokemon, as with the innocence of many 'kiddie' shows - Disney films, in particular. It is that innocence that kept me sane and optimistic. Sure, it might had gotten me to be a little impractical at times, but hey, at least it's better than me turning completely emo.

Heh. But then again, what would be the point of this blog if I'm not partially that? :P

Boy, I miss watching Digimon. Haven't rewatched it for a few months, and I regret that. Now I have to watch it in school because there's no sound on my computer. Ah well. I'll squeeze some time to watch them. And maybe the new, upcoming episodes of Detective Conan, too. Hope my life could turn normal someday. I tried looking for a job at the Long John Silvers below my block just now... and I didn't get any positions. The computer gave a 'Red mark' after scanning my survey. Heh. Ah well. I hope I could find a job somewhere else. I have to, now, considering my Dad's cut-off. I have to get that Mac Book. I need to prove to myself that my life is not filled with bad luck, that the impossible goals in my life are possible to be achieved - if I just put enough effort into it. Because, if they aren't, how would I ever be able to convince Hollywood to let me make the dream of making it (H-wood) realize that creativeness is profitable (rather than just CGI diarrhea) come true?

Haven't written a post this long since Secondary School, Sec 3, year 3 (the 2nd year I was retained for the level). Most of you probably wouldn't read past paragraph 2, but for those who did, thanks for caring. If you could, leave a comment or two, so that I would know that at least there are more people around me that cares, and maybe I just don't know, or perhaps they've been too busy.

I'm gonna go read the Amazing Spider-Man comic book scans that I downloaded from the net now (after I take a small dump). Hopefully, tomorrow, I'll be able to finish my assignment for good. I really want to do good this year. I really do. I hope Mr. Roy realizes that, and, hopefully, Ms Wendy, too... if she cares.

Crushed

Well, things are definitely looking up for me now on the first day of school. I can't tell you how happy I felt today. Why? Well... I can't really post that. :P But, all I could tell you is that it's about a girl... again. Hm.

Remember, Queenswayans, when one of my posts was about a girl? And remember how my blog got trashed just because of that post, because I expressed my feelings for her? Like, people coming to my blog and spamming insults and threats and stuff. Boy, it was horrible. Girls can be so adorable... yet so terrifying at the same time. <_<" I hope I won't be making the same mistakes this time. I won't mention her name, just how I feel about her. That's probably not good enough to ensure that she won't find out, but... Sigh.

Maybe I should just forget about her. I mean, I almost forgot about how I felt about her until today, when she talked to me. I had almost forgot about her. Well, maybe not forget, but, at least I wasn't thinking about her as much as I am now. I couldn't afford another incident like that now... and neither could she afford a fan like me, either. We are going through a very perilous period, both of us. We simply couldn't let our emotions get the best of us. And she wouldn't allow it anyway. She's a good student. She won't let herself be bothered by matters of emotions and love.

Sigh. My mum was right. A crush is excruciating. That's why it's called a 'crush,' because it crushes you from the inside. Ugh. I hate this feeling. Sure, it feels wonderful for a while, but it's like heroine - it gets to you. It's virtual. Not that I didn't care about my crushes. I mean, 3 years already, and I still feel concern for Georgina, once my biggest crush. But, I guess that's why she rejected me, because it wouldn't be fair to the one I'm crushing on. She wouldn't know if I really care about her for who she is, not who she seems to be, the outer shell that got me infatuating over her.

I must have made her felt so bad, having her appealing appearance bringing some sort of curse over her social life. Heh. Guess I kinda deserved the trashing, but... my ego told me to retaliate. My human nature.

Ah well. I will laugh if I ever find my true love. Hmph. What a joke. Come on, dreamers. There aren't such things. Don't kid yourself. Even if you find a person who's really nice and everything, he/she will probably look as good as Patricia Mok (no offense to her fans and herself). That's the reality. No one looks that good and would be that nice to marry someone with, well, to put it simply, my looks. :P C'mon, let's face it - I'm no Tyrus. Queenswayans should remember him. Tall, dark and handsome. Well, tanned, not dark, but still, good looks.

My point is, true love? You guys should just forget about it, man. I know I would. I need to forget. I need to keep myelf numb till I complete my studies or something. I don't know. Sigh. Maybe it's just my lack of confidence, but, deep inside, I really hate crushes. I hate infatuations. I'm sick and tired of that. It's a nice dream, but I don't want to get hurt again upon awakening into reality. I should just stay awake.

Maybe I'll film about that someday. Till then, I just hope I could stay as her friend, and maybe become her good friend, for now.