Sure, even though that now I have to relink every single of my buttons and images all over again, I guess it's not the end of the world, yet - contrary to the predictions of the Mayans baldies.
Oh, that's 2012? Ah well.
Jasper told me that the process is possible to be completed as long as I do not get myself distracted. Not distracted, in school, with my friends playing Mafia War and joking around, teasing each other every 5 minutes or so. Easy.
Now, I feel kinda like an idiot for being so... left out. I mean, I'm probably the only person in the entire Earth who hadn't realized that splitting the files would cause the disastrous tragedy my classmates were so frustratingly fixing that Thursday afternoon.
Well, I'm not entirely at fault, either, I guess. I mean, I did ask Afiq, Farid and the gang about the reason the boys were relinking their web pages and they weren't exactly clear to me. Hah. Was I an idiot for being so overjoyed that following Friday.
On the bright side of things, my crush seemed relatively friendly to me yesterday. I mean, she probably wouldn't be once she knows'bout my little infatuation over her, but, ah well. It's been a while since I expressed my crush for anyone since... well, since you-know-who's incident back at Valentine '07. Probably a few months later than that. But no, I'm not making the same mistake again - I'm not telling any who that sweet rose of my life is. Well, more like daisy than a rose she is, actually.
Of course, I wonder what she thinks about me. Ultimately, the truth might be that she'll find someone else who doesn't have a crush over her - during near-exam periods - in the future, when she's grown to be a beautiful woman. But, heh, it feels nice, to lie to yourself once in a while, to tell yourself that there's something worth smiling for in your life, even during the dark times.
My mum told me once that having a crush is a very hurtful thing, however. You never get to tell the person how you really feel about her. You just watch her from day to day, yet, she doesn't treat you any different than she would towards any ordinary person. But, during such stressful times, I couldn't possibly think that. I guess I'll just have to learn to craft this feeling of mine into a jewel from its lethal nature.
Things are starting to get better with my friends lately. Sure, it gets kinda cold when I 'accidentally' slipped out a remark I assumed to be humorous once in a while, but eh, that's life. They are carefree people. Sure, angst and annoyance hit them sometimes, but they are still friendly teenagers just wanting to have fun. Well, with the exception of Jasper, probably. :P J/k
Regardless, it still comes down to my wondering what would happen if I fail this year. Sure, I'll get to move on for now, but what about the time after I came out of the NS? Another 6 months of ITE awaits me - with completely new people I never met before. God. I didn't think about the 'meeting new people' part till just now, as I was typing. Heh. Looks like the end of the world would be a better thing than my fate ahead. How am I going to get along with those new folks when I'm already having hell of a time doing so with people I know for 10 months?
And in case Mr. Roy is also reading this, yes, I will fail. I have a lot of missing assignments, and I'm afraid I wouldn't have the time - and, more specifically, spirit - to reattain/recreate them. Well, spirit I could attain, I guess. It's up to me. It's either burning up my time and energy to have faith once more, that I will be able to redraw/rework on those assignments, or it's another round of "Hello Emo" for a good 6 months. If I survive the army.
Yes. Survive. I can't swim. I have flam in my lungs. Large amount of them. Ever notice that I run out of breath only after climbing to the third floor? I wouldn't be able to get an 'easy' job, too, considering my... stupendous education background. In other words, I'm not the type of guy who survives NS. I'm the guy you read about in the newspaper when they do report about the army. Yes, the guy who drowned, dehydrated, entered into cardiac arrest, or even poisoned (so my father said). My father told me that they bring you to places where you need to take pills (to prevent yourself from catching a disease). I got used to that this year, many months ago, but eh, who knows? I still can't swim.
Of course, this gets me wondering how many men in Singapore today cannot swim. Did they all die after entering the army? Did the officer in-charge look out for that special loser each year who couldn't swim, waiting to push him down a river? J/k But seriously, if ITE gets this bad when it's known to be 'lax,' how much worse will the NS be?
God, 3 hours before Saw is finished downloading from Stagevu. What a hell of a long time. It is a long time, if you think about the amount of time I get each day after returning from school. I barely have enough time to go print Ms Lulu's work, of which the previous one (the logo design) I have yet to print out yet. Heh.
But nah, don't be mistaken. I might be lazy, but I'm not... incurable. That's the word. Life seems hard for me, but at the end of the day, I just keep on trying. No, it's not because of the support from friends. Their support isn't that strong, even though I do appreciate it when they provide that - in like, every two months or so, when they're not too busy. :P It's not because of my parents' love, either. Heck, there's barely any love left in the family, but I digress.
It's not really Him, God Almighty, either. Well, maybe it is, but I couldn't really get myself to admit it. I never got myself to go to the church last Sunday like I posted I would anyway. I never prayed since...that last time, when I was worrying about finish slicing properly last Friday.
Maybe it is God. But who knows? That's the problem with my faith. I need to know He exists to believe in Him. But this topic is getting too dragged on, and I need to go change my clothes now anyway.
Till next time,
Flare
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Let's get some things straight...
It's been rather stressful - no, make that extremely stressful for me nowadays... not that my 'friends' know of, that is. Sure, they know, but they are either indifferent about it or they just don't understand the tremendous amount of pressure I'm under - even if I did cause most of those pressure myself...
No. You know what? I tried my best. It's not my intention to not catch up in my studies. It's not my intention to put myself on a path to retainment. And it's definitely not my intention for my circle of friends to act like insensitive pricks.
Let's face it - I don't really get along well with Chester and the gang, no matter how much I kid myself. I don't have much resentment towards them, I just find them insensitive and, I guess, at this point, I feel more indifference towards them than anything similar to hatred. That's bad, because, even though I hated Jordan, I don't find him heartless. Not that Samuel and the pack are, but it's just that at least I was able to feel friendliness from Jordan, a more human side from him than my current social-circle.
Guess I am to be lonely for the rest of my life. Guess it is really a curse from God.
I don't really feel much sorrow now, contrary to the tone I'm setting through my words. I just feel numb. I mean, sorrow was something I felt about some hours ago, back at the Mac Lab; complete worry, a desperate hole in my mind. I believe I've either lost or have yet to complete most of my assignments, specifically those of Wee Tat's and Lulu's. Of course, there's no one to blame but myself. But still, it is in these desperate times do you truly see who are your true friends - and who are just... well, I wouldn't go as far as using the word, "selfish," but, indifferent people are. I'm alone in this dark period now.
And everytime a dark time falls over me, I came in contact with the only being I'm able to reach - God Himself. True, I was quite indifferent towards Him, too, and there is no excuse for that. But, that's just the way I am. I'm trying, though, to change, to evolve. I'm perceiving that message God has been trying to set, that there's no peace without Him. My life will be a constant battle that's even worse than it would be with Him in it. It is time I stop being stubborn and raise the white flag - there's no benefit in going against a god.
Yet, it is so hard. It's so easy, too, to go to church. However, the determination, the attitude, the will to go there, the will to remain in a mentality that would have me follow the word of God is one that's so difficult to be attained by me if I don't have that determination. It is so easy to just step out that front door on a Sunday. It's just not that easy to be happy doing it. That's what He wants - me willingly following His words, not through force. Of course, that time might never come, because I don't have a strong mind.
So grind it, I guess I'll have to. A man without limbs was able to grind his till a state where he's able to smile his way through people. It's not understandable by me, but, I have nothing to lose anyway. It will just be very stressful. And lonely. Hm. It's a good thing those sh*t's been occurring throughout my whole life, then.
Once, I thought of a saying that goes, "It's pathetic, that fictitious people are more human and caring than real people will ever be." It contradicts what the true is - that it makes sense for real people to be weaker and more self-centered as it we aren't saints, after all - but it is sad. Maybe it's not to a pathetic level, but it is sad. People reading this might find me to be insane or bizarre (especially the girls and Farid and the gang), but I had hoped that the human characters of the Digimon anime are real people, and that they are my friends. When you get as lonely as I do, your mind starts to wander. You get desperate, and then you start to think this type of, what most of my current classmates would label as 'weird sh*t.'
God, are they such good friends to one another. They are such a nice group of people, being there for each other without question or indications. Of course, being fictitious characters, they would naturally know the right thing to say. But, even if my friends don't, I would probably feel better if they do ask instead of acting like 'buo chap.' God, that's the reason I detested Jordan.
But, my current friends are somewhat of a lower level. Well, one of them, anyway. Samuel Chow. I was already sinking to a sea-level of depression, yet he had the thick-skin to 'gang up' on me with Joshua Wee, teasing me about how I'm going to 'die' tomorrow. Prick. I don't mind Joshua 'mad dog' Wee going about me, barking away - but my own friend, stabbing me in the back. Heh. Not that I'm not used to it anyway.
Guess that's why I'm so urgent to find a mate, someone who could understand me and care about me. Someone I could rely on. Someone who I could cry to when stressed. I've never cried for the longest time. All these emotions, built up in me. It hurts. It hurts so bad.
No. You know what? I tried my best. It's not my intention to not catch up in my studies. It's not my intention to put myself on a path to retainment. And it's definitely not my intention for my circle of friends to act like insensitive pricks.
Let's face it - I don't really get along well with Chester and the gang, no matter how much I kid myself. I don't have much resentment towards them, I just find them insensitive and, I guess, at this point, I feel more indifference towards them than anything similar to hatred. That's bad, because, even though I hated Jordan, I don't find him heartless. Not that Samuel and the pack are, but it's just that at least I was able to feel friendliness from Jordan, a more human side from him than my current social-circle.
Guess I am to be lonely for the rest of my life. Guess it is really a curse from God.
I don't really feel much sorrow now, contrary to the tone I'm setting through my words. I just feel numb. I mean, sorrow was something I felt about some hours ago, back at the Mac Lab; complete worry, a desperate hole in my mind. I believe I've either lost or have yet to complete most of my assignments, specifically those of Wee Tat's and Lulu's. Of course, there's no one to blame but myself. But still, it is in these desperate times do you truly see who are your true friends - and who are just... well, I wouldn't go as far as using the word, "selfish," but, indifferent people are. I'm alone in this dark period now.
And everytime a dark time falls over me, I came in contact with the only being I'm able to reach - God Himself. True, I was quite indifferent towards Him, too, and there is no excuse for that. But, that's just the way I am. I'm trying, though, to change, to evolve. I'm perceiving that message God has been trying to set, that there's no peace without Him. My life will be a constant battle that's even worse than it would be with Him in it. It is time I stop being stubborn and raise the white flag - there's no benefit in going against a god.
Yet, it is so hard. It's so easy, too, to go to church. However, the determination, the attitude, the will to go there, the will to remain in a mentality that would have me follow the word of God is one that's so difficult to be attained by me if I don't have that determination. It is so easy to just step out that front door on a Sunday. It's just not that easy to be happy doing it. That's what He wants - me willingly following His words, not through force. Of course, that time might never come, because I don't have a strong mind.
So grind it, I guess I'll have to. A man without limbs was able to grind his till a state where he's able to smile his way through people. It's not understandable by me, but, I have nothing to lose anyway. It will just be very stressful. And lonely. Hm. It's a good thing those sh*t's been occurring throughout my whole life, then.
Once, I thought of a saying that goes, "It's pathetic, that fictitious people are more human and caring than real people will ever be." It contradicts what the true is - that it makes sense for real people to be weaker and more self-centered as it we aren't saints, after all - but it is sad. Maybe it's not to a pathetic level, but it is sad. People reading this might find me to be insane or bizarre (especially the girls and Farid and the gang), but I had hoped that the human characters of the Digimon anime are real people, and that they are my friends. When you get as lonely as I do, your mind starts to wander. You get desperate, and then you start to think this type of, what most of my current classmates would label as 'weird sh*t.'
God, are they such good friends to one another. They are such a nice group of people, being there for each other without question or indications. Of course, being fictitious characters, they would naturally know the right thing to say. But, even if my friends don't, I would probably feel better if they do ask instead of acting like 'buo chap.' God, that's the reason I detested Jordan.
But, my current friends are somewhat of a lower level. Well, one of them, anyway. Samuel Chow. I was already sinking to a sea-level of depression, yet he had the thick-skin to 'gang up' on me with Joshua Wee, teasing me about how I'm going to 'die' tomorrow. Prick. I don't mind Joshua 'mad dog' Wee going about me, barking away - but my own friend, stabbing me in the back. Heh. Not that I'm not used to it anyway.
Guess that's why I'm so urgent to find a mate, someone who could understand me and care about me. Someone I could rely on. Someone who I could cry to when stressed. I've never cried for the longest time. All these emotions, built up in me. It hurts. It hurts so bad.
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