Thursday, August 13, 2009

Annoying. Simply annoying.

Hui Qing and the girl who always sits one seat away from me in Wee Tat's class (Jia Ling, I think?) are constantly jabbering away, leaving me no peace. Ugh. Nowadays, I feel more distanced from society than ever. It won't be long when I'll finally be a total social outcast, not only from this class, but also from the entire country... and soon, through the help of the Internet, probably pretty much the rest of this pathetic Earth, too.

So, Chester and the gang had went ahead and watch "Where Got Ghost?" without me after Roy's class today. I kept on telling myself that I had no reason to be bothered by this one little silly issue, but the matter of fact, as much as I try and deny it, is that it should be a matter to be concerned with.

Ugh, having so much trouble trying to gather my thoughts with those loud female high-pitched voices by my ear...

By abandoning me (even if it was by accident, assuming that it was), my (only remaining) circle of friends showed me just how fragile I am in this social cycle. I mean, not much regard is given to me most of the time while I'm in class. In other words, after eight months of effort in fitting in, I've not succeeded in being someone worth caring about.

I told Guo Wei yesterday that it occurred to me that nobody ever talks about their social issues and problems in life. Part of me told him that because it is a fact - other than the girls at occasional times, the guys just talk about shallow stuff, as far as I know. The other part of me wrote that (through Windows Live Messenger) because... nobody gave a fuck about my life. But, I didn't mind that, and probably still don't. For me to be hurt by people not caring about me, I'll have to care about those people first. I don't care about my classmates (much), so, I guess that's why I'm not so pained by this, and it probably fits fair for them to treat me the same way.

I mean, I tried to care. I tried to fit in. But, it's getting so tiring. With the recent departure of my Secondary School buddy, Jordan Teo, hope is starting to diminish. However, I await here for a savior of my life, as that's the only thing I could do now.

I feel numb and empty on the inside. Almost every week, I had the thought of suicide, trying to bring this pointless living into reason. Yet, I have no balls. No only will it be a painful procedure, but the end result is not pretty either. I'm more than sinful, and suicide guarantees a straight trip to burning hell without trial, according to my mum. So, I'm left here, wandering through the oceans of agony for what feels like an eternity after another.

Still kinda miss Jordan at this point. As heartless as he seemed to be when he let me go instead of messaging me something on that fateful day a couple of weeks back, in this moment of desperation, I could only reach up towards the only person who allowed me to be myself, the only person who gave a shred of concern about my pitiful life. And, he was as much of a film buff as I was, if not acted like one for my sake. So, even if all these had been an act, even if all these was phony illusion, those memories were happy, and I miss them.

I miss the times Ng Yong Yao was with me, too. How he lectured me. At least he cared enough to lecture me. God, he was mature, and such a good friend. He was almost the perfect one compared to my Primary School mate, Caleb Chan and Jordan. He studied in Queensway Secondary with me, too, till about June at the first year I was held back in Sec 3, when he transferred to another school. Kinda wish that he remains my friend till this day right now. Pathetic, really, having to think about him only when I'm in peril.

Wee Tat is rushing me about my work. Heh. Kinda hate it how I have the need to blog immediately upon having the urge - or not blog at all. I mean, I couldn't try and remember what I want to blog right now, go home and post it later - I won't feel like blogging by then. The disadvantage to that is that my post will be publicly viewed as I type the post. Even though the final post could be viewed by the public, not everyone will make the troublesome attempt to read the post, as compared to someone passing by and catching sight of my writing. Luckily, these people, as I wrote, don't give a fuck.

Should I talk to Jordan again? Will he even talk to me at all after I just ditched him like that because he made one too many mistakes? I did tell him it wasn't out of hostility, but out of desperation - out of my natural instinct to lessen my pain. Why should I be the one who feels guilty in this picture when I'm the victim? Hm. Guess that's life's little twisted irony.

Calling him again will be painful, and it won't be a short pain. He won't answer my call as he never did nowadays, rendering me determined enough to continue calling. And then, finally, when he does answer the call, I will face an angry tirade of 'fuck yous' and 'I'm done with this friendship.' Chances of all these happening: 80%.

Guess now isn't the time for me to trouble myself with these social problems, what with my academical problems building up, too.

Just thought of something. Guo Wei said that my classmates only tell about their social issues to the people who they trust. I trust people. All I need is one person to ask... but, it won't help in the long process anyway, especially if he/she doesn't aid me throughout this course in my mentality.

I'm not doing very well in my academical area nowadays. I'm late for lessons or entirely miss them. I had little to no sleep. I feel like a suicidal attempt isn't necessary anymore to guarantee a death for me. I feel like each part of me is dying away, wilting.

I might never become a filmmaker in the future, achieving my dream, especially if I don't start working hard right now. Pity. I always wanted to make a film account of my life, had always thought my life is conflictual and twisted enough to make a movie about it. If this be a film, then this place, ITE, will be the second to last place of my final damnation, the aspect of the film where the 'resolution' is supposed to be before the ending/conclusion. The NS will be my place of death, probably. Not having a fine education background, I'll probably be pushed to perform physical work, and what with my overflowing flam and poor stamina, Death is practically standing by the borders of the army site.

Will anyone discover this story and make a movie out of it on my behalf? I doubt it. But, He moves in mysterious ways, as they (including Satan in "End of Days") said, so we never know. I'm gonna brood over whether if I should make a call to Jordan. I might just send him a message first, just in case he won't pick up. I know that he is my last hope of salvation - ironically, as I abandoned him to seek salvation.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

*insert profane insult*

I'm still not ready to get out of this shell. It won't make a difference if I do anyway. My 'circle of friends' would be themselves, and there's no changing that, nor changing me. It's not their fault they are displaying indifference, nor do I blame them... For Jordan, it's a difference case - none of my current ITE classmates claimed to be my bestfriend; Jordan, however, did.

Making that kind of statement automatically sets a kind of commitment to me. I felt that it was a promise made - a very significant promise at that. I felt his warm compassion, and I assumed something - again. I had thought that it was all going to be better, that I finally have that other part of me, a partner, a teammate of my life, somebody to guide me through and help me when I'm in need. Boy, was I wrong.

Jordan is not nasty; he's just picky when it comes to giving his concern to people, or, rather, he only cares when it is not taking out his time or inconveniences him. I guess I have no right to be angry about that. Maybe my expectations of having him being the most perfect friend there is kinda clouded my judgment. Nevertheless, I too had been tolerant.

I did try not to be so self-centered when it comes to receiving his care and concern. Over the pass few weeks, I faced many tiring battles alone, not blaming him several times for not being there, for leaving me drenched in that single spot the rain is pouring over. Naturally, it felt terrible that I had no one to rely on. Thankfully, my classmates were not completely cold and uncomprehending of one of my situations, and reached out to... well, 'care,' I guess... Regardless of its minuteness, it was better than nothing, and it kept me from breaking down. But, right now, I'm not so sure if mental breakdown is a heartbeat away or not.

I'm trying to make sense of it all, but I need a helping hand. Otherwise, I feel that I'm just going to keep dropping into that pitch black hole of emo. It's only August, and I'm already having school-phobia. Each day, it's getting worse, and it feels more painful. I don't want to do this - I don't want to go to school. But, do I have a choice? Do I have a say in this voiceless country?

When push turns to shove, something's bound to happen. Who knows what will happen if I continue to force myself down this road of wretched disdain for school and for the people around me. I guess there is only one solution to this - to die.

In all things that are basic, I feel that my life is getting more pointless by the second. No one really cares about me, and that's the truth. Maybe one of my classmates might still be concerned over my well-being (despite not showing it), but it hurts too much for me to feel anything. I'm going nuts. Everyday, I try and numb myself with stupid shit. Nowadays, I do that by watching Heroes and Heroes: Unmasked and by playing countless hours of Halo - both activities on my shitty laptop. Did I have a great life back then? I believe so. Did I destroy that beautiful picture through my reckless actions? Maybe. Did I singlehandidly destroy that picture? A definite no.

Why do I act the way I do in school, some might ask. Well, for one, it feels good, being rebellious. Another thing revolves around human nature. We act how we feel. Other than those five words, I truthfully don't have any other answers.

I'm so tired - mentally - just wish it would all stop. I feel so afraid of the impending future. Am I going to live in this torturous state for as long as I live?

Right now, at this minute, I don't want to care anymore, but that doesn't mean I won't.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Facing Myself

It's time I stop kidding myself. I am who I am. As much as I hate to admit it, I am pessimistic and ireful towards the world. I don't social well - period - I had several episodes of abusive language and behavior, and I absolutely have no feelings for my class and my school, of which the latter is a, what I'd like to call, the hell hole I am and will be living in for the next year or so. Brilliant.

So many things happened since I last posted. Jordan and I are having friendship issues again, I made a plan of doing a "Pixar's 'Up' marathon (which, currently, has little point to me)," I lost my wallet with my I/C in it, I got in more arguments with the staff of ITE, I felt like killing myself on several occasions over the past few weeks, I was banned from Pixar Planet forums, I was in a heated argument with a 14 years old dork (which, for the most parts anyway, caused my suicidal thoughts), and, guess what - I'm still as lonely as I was four years ago.

First thing's first - Jordan Teo. Being friends with him for so long now, we had a discussion once about how long our friendship would last. He said "50 years." I smiled. However, up till this moment, it's only been three years, and look at where we are now.

God, I'm feeling so lazy right now, so, maybe I'll post another day. Maybe I won't.

Fuck you guys.